“Face your fears” is what I’ve been telling myself lately.
The older I get, the more I get to know myself. Maturing I guess.
Last week, I went out with some girlfriends to see a band play in a bar. Place was packed, probably over 100 people present. After a short chat with the singer of the band, she decided to call me up on stage before they started playing to “Say a few words”. I hadn’t planned anything; I just went up there and winged it. I don’t remember everything that I said; we were in a bar after all and had been drinking. I just know that the first thing I said was “Hi I’m Julie and I have 3 kids!”
Great intro for a rock band!
I continued babbling things… tried to pump the crowd… told the ladies in the audience they should get their bras signed by the band members…
What was I thinking? I don’t know! I was just having fun. When I sat back down some of my friends were looking at me like “What just happened?” and some that have come to know this side of me had a “No surprise here” kind of face. One of them turned to me and told me “Julie, you’re the most fearless woman I know”.
And believe it or not, that comment’s been in my head since then.
I am not fearless; I am the most fearful person I know. I am scared of everything.
It’s easy to let fear guide you. It will guide you towards safety. No risks, no taking chances, no experimenting… is that what we want?
Believe it or not that’s exactly the dilemma I’m living right now. I have fears in me… should I face them? Or just go towards whatever is safer…after all I have 3 kids.
I can’t imagine what you are thinking reading this. You’re probably think I’m a complete nut job. Well lately that’s what I’ve been thinking too. Ever since I gave birth to A3 my mind has changed. Ok, it’s not that it’s changed; it’s as if it’s always been the same but I’m just starting to realize what it’s like.
Maybe 3 kids are what it took to get me to start looking on the inside. I look on the inside and I get scared.
That tells me there’s a lot of work to be done there.
I’ve been stressed out all morning…with all these thoughts in my head. Now that I’m writing it all out, it’s making more sense. I guess this blog does help channel my stress. I know I knew this before, because I’ve mentioned it in a previous post. But it still seems like I just realized it now.Basically, I do feel better now after having written this.
Some people have the ability to center themselves and work on their inner self. Others need something to shake them and wake them up to start doing so. And most will go on with life never making this realization…
I think I’m being woken up right now.
It’s taken a lot for me to even start thinking about these things… a lot has happened to me in the past 5 years and now I’m finally learning about life.
All these thoughts running through my head ever since A3.I’ve thought it to be many things; maybe they are symptoms of baby blues? Maybe the baby blues combined with the winter blues? Maybe I’m a bit depressed? Maybe these hormones are making me crazy? Maybe I’m becoming a soft bipolar?
Or maybe this life is over whelming and I just need to calm down and learn to relax.
“You need to take good care of yourself, so you can take care of others.” They say, and they are right.
It’s more than taking care of my body and mind….
I need to take care of my soul.
P.s If you think I’ve lost my marbles…wait till you find out what I googled today. (Well one person already knows, and it’s not Jack)