Science has proven that no two brains are alike. Our brains have the same level of uniqueness as our fingertips. To assume people think like you is a mistake and to think that your thinking is better than another way is also wrong. Each person has a different perception of the same reality. How can we expect communication and community to be easy when our minds are so different from one another? We all have a responsibility of growth and betterment. Sometimes we have to step back and revise if something we thought we had understood was perhaps misunderstood or if we should unlearn some of the things we have already learned.
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Every single person is entirely engaged in their own lives. Whatever journey you decide to embark on make sure it is for yourself. No one will care when you succeed. People will take a moment to celebrate with you or congratulate you in a comment or text but essentially they will resume and go back to their own lives. Same goes for your failure. If you fail people might try to comfort you for a short while and some might even feel a glimpse of pleasure watching you fall but it will all be momentary and everyone will quickly go back to their own lives. It is not because of a malignant nature that people lack interest in our achievements or shortcomings; it is simply human nature to be caught up in our own lives. Whatever you decide to do just make sure you are doing it for yourself. Nobody cares if you succeed and nobody cares if you fail so unburden yourself.
Don’t Let The Happy Stress Get You
We can also have happy stress. Overwhelmed while packing for a trip or planning a celebration. Although they are for happy moments we can get carried away with stress. Stress is stress. We are still tiring our body and mind with anxiety. We should try to catch ourselves when we are experiencing happy stress and step back when we do.
Breathe, relax and enjoy the moment.
We’re kind of like little ants. Set on a path with a mission. We’re really good at it too. We are smart. strong and we always stick together.
Wait a minute. We don’t ! Actually we humans should be glad to be more like little ants. Ants probably don’t understand that they are on a planet in the Universe as we don’t understand what is beyond our Universe.
The difference is, the ants won’t stop their work to start arguing over hypothetical situations and especially not kill each other over them.
Maybe the ants know something we don’t ?
I wish I could sit here and reflect all day but duty calls.
I have a lot to do in very little time. I’m told to prioritize things but my problem with prioritizing is that I am not able to figure out what to put at the very top. I get stuck at the very first level trying to figure out what is most important.
Now since I’m a mom I’m expected to put my kids at the top. But the problem with that is when I put my kids first, there is nothing left for anything else. Their needs are so never-ending that they can and will consume every minute you have. I admit that is also partly because of my own expectations of parenting.
I’m starting to think I should do things differently. Maybe put my kids last.
I’m not saying last of my worries… more like last of my priorities.
Maybe it’s time I taught them more independence.
Just like any parent, I’m confused about what to tell my child about Santa Claus. Last year, around Christmas 9-year-old A1 asked:
“Mom I don’t get it, you’re usually safe and all so how can you allow a stranger to walk into our house in the middle of the night?” She was talking about Santa Claus of course. I thought about it for a moment and decided it was finally time for the Santa Talk. I broke it to her gently. I talked about Saint Nicholas, Christmas magic, the spirit of giving. I candy coated the whole thing and gave it to her as softly as possible. She listened to me until I was finished then swiftly answered:
“Nah! I think you’re wrong. He’s real”.
This year Jack was out one night and I was home alone with the kids. We were sitting by the Christmas tree and I had all my kids in sight when I suddenly heard a loud noise that came from upstairs. I quickly muted the Tv and asked the children to be quiet. After a few seconds of sheer silence, we heard a loud CRACK! I was alarmed but played it cool for the girls. I got up to go check upstairs. Now let me tell you that it turned out to be absolutely nothing. I went to check, found nothing out of the ordinary. It was probably just another regular house sound or so. But before I went upstairs to check, the moment we heard that loud crack my kids took one look at each other and immediately started yelling from the top of their lungs:
“SANTAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!! SANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! IT’S SANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! SANTA IS HERE!!!! SANTA IS HERE!!!! ”
They started jumping on the couches and became hysterical. They were cheering and hugging. I had never seen such a site. They were so happy. I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned.
Somebody could break into our house and our children would celebrate their coming, take them to the Christmas tree and probably try to feed them cookies as long as the intruder was in red.
And it’s entirely our fault.
That last post came up Saturday night but was written Friday night right before I fell asleep at the keyboard. The last sentence gave me such a feel of relief that I almost immediately fell asleep.
“Or maybe this is the moment when I realize I should live more for myself.”
That was it.
Live more for myself. Basically have a little more self-love and have the courage and energy to do the things I want to do and not only the things I have to do.
Is that a bad thing? I wonder if Jesus is ok with self-love and how I would know if I’ve crossed the line from self-love to selfishness?
Ok I’m googling Jesus and Self-love.
Ok so Jesus said:
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:31
Wow now I’m a little more confused. Love my neighbor as myself? What if the problem is that I seem to love the neighbor more than myself? Should I love the neighbor less? That doesn’t make any sense. So what does Mark 12:31 even mean? Does it mean that Mark says that Jesus said that? So this is what Jesus said according to Mark’s memory? How long after hearing Jesus speak did Mark write this down? Was it during, immediately after or long after? Is this exactly what he said or it this how Mark understood it? Come to think of it I’ve never seen ink or paper in any of the depictions of the time. If I’m going to consider this as a reference point in my life path then I need to ask the right questions and make sure it’s legit. No?
Who is Mark anyway ? Is he even one of the apostles?
Bah, I’m overthinking again.
In conclusion to last night’s post, what I need to keep remembering here is that a wall is built brick by brick. I can’t expect to see a wall before I’ve even started to build it. I shouldn’t be afraid to put a brick down and start even if I haven’t figured it all out.
And about that whole self-love thing I guess more love is never the wrong way. So more love for me and my neighbor!
Sometimes I really tend to overthink things. I expect myself to have figured out every element of a process that I want to overtake before I start it. Unless I know specifically what the upcoming challenges are and exactly how to overcome them I arm filled in fear and most times even give up on the task or objective at hand.
I am telling myself is that I should chill out a bit.
I was never like this when it came to my schoolwork and I am certainly not giving up on any difficult tasks at work. So why is it that when it comes to my personal objectives I really seem to be throwing in the towel pretty quickly?
Hold on I’ve got to go pull the basement door shut. Jack’s downstairs watching the finale of Oz with his buddies and it’s sounding pretty intense from up here. I hear the yelling of a man that sounds like he’s getting badly tortured. It’s getting louder and louder, I hope the kids don’t get woken. Oh sounds like the torture just intensified a notch, I’m afraid the kids are going to think it is Jack that is yelling!
Ok door is shut now.
Where was I. Oh yes so basically I was in the middle of realizing that I don’t discipline myself when it comes to succeeding in my own personal goals but when it comes to work or when it’s for somebody else I give it my all.
Why do I do that?
Am I overthinking again? Probably.
Or maybe this is the moment I realize I should live more for myself…
It’s almost midnight and I just finished packing the kids’ lunches.
Surely every mother feels the same. They exhaust the hell out of me, I’ll admit that at times I might even count down the hours and minutes until bed time and yet once they’re finally down I watch them sleep and think to myself “ I don’t want them to grow up”.
I remember rocking a few months old A3 a few years ago. She had been crying and I had been rocking her for hours until she finally fell asleep. I just wanted to put her down already. I remember thinking to myself that in the midst of that chaotic day I hadn’t even taken the time to really just look at her. I consoled myself and thought “it’s ok; she’ll still look the same tomorrow”.
Today is five years later and the memory of that precise moment when I thought to myslef that she wouldn’t change and how I could always look at her tomorrow is crystal clear in my mind yet the memory of what she actually looked like has completely faded away.
I guess we really do have to make the most of each day.
Jack just came into the room. He’s looking at me funny. Ok now he’s blowing kisses my way.
Well today is not over just yet and since I want to make the most of today perhaps I should cut this post short and go be with him.
Jack : “When are you going to be done with your post?”
Me: “I’m done”
If a dream is robbing you from appreciating what you have in the moment then an adjustment is necessary.
So does becoming a mommy mean giving up your passions? Sure everyone’s talking about chasing your dreams and never giving up but let’s talk real for a moment. When you become parents you have obligations towards your kids and I’m just talking about the basics. Providing for them, making sure they are fed and dressed that alone considering the number of kids can in itself be more than enough to keep someone busy for all of their time. So when is it that I actually do something for me? In ten years when they grow up and I grow older? Sure I want to lead by example for my girls, be a mom who does it all, but quite frankly I don’t even see how all that is even possible.
So right now I’m focusing on not being so hard on myself. If you have a dream but thinking about that dream gives you knots in your stomach because you don’t see how it can become reality then think about the impact that dream is having on your daily life. A dream is supposed to make you feel free and fill you with hope. If a dream is robbing you from appreciating what you have in the moment then an adjustment is necessary.
So from hence forward I’m allowing myself to put some of my dreams or goals on the back burner for a while. I’ll check in with them later and see if they still are as desirable. I’m also allowing myself to change my mind. Most times we want different things in different stages in our lives but we hold ourselves tied to old objectives because we don’t want to quit or move on before accomplishing them in fear of having to call it a failure. This post goes against all the typical you can do it, don’t quit chasing your dreams content found out there but I’m just trying to be real. I’m just saying if thinking about that dream fills you with anxiety and does not make you happy then what’s the point?
Happy is here and now not when I will do this or that.
I can’t say that I will forget about my dreams, I don’t think I can but I can say that I am definitely going to free myself from the burden I have created for myself.
I already feel much better.
Kids are going to be home any minute now and instead of getting some work done I’m stuck in a pensive mood thinking what a sad time it is to be a human being. A time when we know more than ever and yet that only seems to be revealing how much we do not know. From philosophy to religion it seems we keep going in circles, big circles indeed but still circles. I know I should focus on getting the laundry done right now but I can’t help to think about mankind and where we’re heading. We don’t know where we came from or where we are going. Why are we given this capacity to wonder if we can’t seem to understand the answer?
And when will humanity really understand the difference between knowing and believing ?
Knock knock ! It’s the door! They’re here! Jeez these kids knock like they’re trying to break down the door! It’s mommy time, I have to go!
Just Grab Your Nuts
I use to not be such a fan of animals but my readings on consciousness have changed that about me. They’ve taught me to observe animals and to learn. Many meditation exercises include animals such as conscious butterfly watching.
Seriously when is the last time you watched a butterfly fly?
I watch a squirrel in our backyard and I wonder. Does the mama squirrel stress out over all the chores she has to do? Does she worry that she won’t build the shelter in time or that she won’t store enough food for the winter? I wonder, does she doubt herself or does she believe in herself?
Is an animal even able to imagine a worst case scenario?
A squirrel is surely capable of fear towards something real but unless it’s dreaming I would imagine it cannot scare itself by imagining worst case scenarios for herself and her fuzzy family. She doesn’t stress too much about it she just goes out there every day, rain or shine. She climbs the trees, stores de fruit, hides the nuts. She just does what she’s got to do to prepare for winter. Every day she trusts that the sun will go down and then come up again tomorrow.
Hmm I guess these books are right. Apparently I can learn from animals.
Now this mama squirrel has to go do mama squirrel things.
But still, I cannot help but wonder. Does that mama squirrel ever feel like she needs a crazy night out to party and unwind?
Sometimes I feel inspired for the love I have for writing. Grateful for the creativity and the opportunity to express. At other times I think about what kind of twisted destiny puts me in a situation where I perhaps finally find my purpose but cannot fulfill it because of circumstances.
Like my current circumstances being that the A1, A2 and A3 are literally yelling at the top of their lungs right now.
I guess that’s what motherhood is really about. Putting yourself aside for your kids.
Or is it?
Ok they are literally on top….of me….right now.
Got to go.
Stick it to me.
My problem is that I’m way too hard on myself. I keep falling into the same patterns. Setting up huge expectations from myself then killing myself over them.
For me ?
Hold on a sec. A2 just came over she has a question.
- Are you working?
- Cause if it’s not I want the computer.
- When will you be finished?
- Where’s the tree?
- How did they take it out?
Hold on I got to stop writing to answer her.
Ok I’m back. I’m sitting outside blogging on the balcony. Nowadays my kids completely hog the laptop. If I seriously look at my keypad right now I can see an old piece of chocolate cake , some playdoh in the cracks and of course a sticker.
I can’t believe A2 just realized now that our tree is gone. It’s been gone for a month! Jack just came out he has a sticker on his shirt.
And now A3. She came out to check if we were still wearing our stickers. All clear!
Where was I ?
Oh ya huge expectations…
Jack’s giving me a look. I think he needs to be heard, got to go.
What is Mom Guilt? Mom guilt is that feeling that will never truly allow you to relax because every time you’re about to relax Mom Guilt starts up and you start wondering:
- “Is there anything else I should be doing right now” …. And then you get up. Because of course there is.
I’m working on recognizing the Mom Guilt in me and addressing it.
Next time I find a moment for myself and I feel mom guilt I want to recognize it, suppress my negative self-talk and I want to tell myself that I deserve this time to myself.
A2 calling me… got to go.
Creativity is a very powerful thing. Everyone has it either out in the open or tucked in deep. Not everyone expresses it. I realized that the expression of creativity helps me keep calm and reduce anxiety, easier said than done.
But where and how would I even start?
Creativity can be a scary thing. I’m going to create something and then become vulnerable to judgment. Why would I want that? Then again I’m supposed to be seeking discomfort in order to insure self-growth…
So I guess the first thing I need to do is set aside insecurities in order to release creativity.
I think I will focus on this during my next mediation.
During meditation as I inhale and exhale I practice inhaling something I want and exhaling a thought that represents something I want to get rid of.
Some mornings I inhale energy, positivity and courage to face my day and exhale tiredness, negativity and fear.
During my next meditation I’m going to exhale insecurity and inhale creativity.
So I made a dorky audition video.
Of course my children love it. They watched it so many times they know it by heart.
I had two minutes to show that I was a foodie with a big personality that can make something like baklava achievable. Of course there are a million other things I wanted to say but ….I had two minutes.
Express Accordion Baklava recipe.