That last post came up Saturday night but was written Friday night right before I fell asleep at the keyboard. The last sentence gave me such a feel of relief that I almost immediately fell asleep.
“Or maybe this is the moment when I realize I should live more for myself.”
That was it.
Live more for myself. Basically have a little more self-love and have the courage and energy to do the things I want to do and not only the things I have to do.
Is that a bad thing? I wonder if Jesus is ok with self-love and how I would know if I’ve crossed the line from self-love to selfishness?
Ok I’m googling Jesus and Self-love.
Ok so Jesus said:
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:31
Wow now I’m a little more confused. Love my neighbor as myself? What if the problem is that I seem to love the neighbor more than myself? Should I love the neighbor less? That doesn’t make any sense. So what does Mark 12:31 even mean? Does it mean that Mark says that Jesus said that? So this is what Jesus said according to Mark’s memory? How long after hearing Jesus speak did Mark write this down? Was it during, immediately after or long after? Is this exactly what he said or it this how Mark understood it? Come to think of it I’ve never seen ink or paper in any of the depictions of the time. If I’m going to consider this as a reference point in my life path then I need to ask the right questions and make sure it’s legit. No?
Who is Mark anyway ? Is he even one of the apostles?
Bah, I’m overthinking again.
In conclusion to last night’s post, what I need to keep remembering here is that a wall is built brick by brick. I can’t expect to see a wall before I’ve even started to build it. I shouldn’t be afraid to put a brick down and start even if I haven’t figured it all out.
And about that whole self-love thing I guess more love is never the wrong way. So more love for me and my neighbor!
Sometimes I really tend to overthink things. I expect myself to have figured out every element of a process that I want to overtake before I start it. Unless I know specifically what the upcoming challenges are and exactly how to overcome them I arm filled in fear and most times even give up on the task or objective at hand.
I am telling myself is that I should chill out a bit.
I was never like this when it came to my schoolwork and I am certainly not giving up on any difficult tasks at work. So why is it that when it comes to my personal objectives I really seem to be throwing in the towel pretty quickly?
Hold on I’ve got to go pull the basement door shut. Jack’s downstairs watching the finale of Oz with his buddies and it’s sounding pretty intense from up here. I hear the yelling of a man that sounds like he’s getting badly tortured. It’s getting louder and louder, I hope the kids don’t get woken. Oh sounds like the torture just intensified a notch, I’m afraid the kids are going to think it is Jack that is yelling!
Ok door is shut now.
Where was I. Oh yes so basically I was in the middle of realizing that I don’t discipline myself when it comes to succeeding in my own personal goals but when it comes to work or when it’s for somebody else I give it my all.
Why do I do that?
Am I overthinking again? Probably.
Or maybe this is the moment I realize I should live more for myself…
It’s almost midnight and I just finished packing the kids’ lunches.
Surely every mother feels the same. They exhaust the hell out of me, I’ll admit that at times I might even count down the hours and minutes until bed time and yet once they’re finally down I watch them sleep and think to myself “ I don’t want them to grow up”.
I remember rocking a few months old A3 a few years ago. She had been crying and I had been rocking her for hours until she finally fell asleep. I just wanted to put her down already. I remember thinking to myself that in the midst of that chaotic day I hadn’t even taken the time to really just look at her. I consoled myself and thought “it’s ok; she’ll still look the same tomorrow”.
Today is five years later and the memory of that precise moment when I thought to myslef that she wouldn’t change and how I could always look at her tomorrow is crystal clear in my mind yet the memory of what she actually looked like has completely faded away.
I guess we really do have to make the most of each day.
Jack just came into the room. He’s looking at me funny. Ok now he’s blowing kisses my way.
Well today is not over just yet and since I want to make the most of today perhaps I should cut this post short and go be with him.
Jack : “When are you going to be done with your post?”
5:59 am this morning our three kids barged into our bedroom fully disguised and yelled HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Thanks for that morning jolt kids! Jack woke up in a panic. I was in shock too. I was trying to understand how they were suddenly able to manage to dress themselves and get ready all by themselves when the rest of the school mornings they roll in their beds while I try to dress them.
Yup it’s Halloween aka mommy overtime. I apologize for my lack of enthusiasm, some days I am a Marry Poppins kind of mom but today doesn’t feel like one of those days. Today it’s just Zombie mom.
A working, cleaning, cooking, planning exhausted zombie mom.
I know I should make more time for myself. I’m trying but part of the problem is that we’ve been taught to play only after the work is done and the thing with motherhood is that the work is never done.
Never ever ever.
Oh how I had imagined parenthood in my dreams. I had only imagined the breezy and happy moments. I would imagine a happy family sitting at a dinner table. I used to imagine my future children so proper and well mannered. I thought of course they will sit still at dinner time, try to eat by themselves and engage into peaceful social interaction among themselves while we adults get a chance to catch up.
All I got to say to my young self is…
I guess the first stage of parenting is realizing how different it really is from what you could have ever imagined. The rest well I can’t really say. I’m still figuring it out for myself and truthfully it seems like the more the years pass the less I feel I have it figured out.
So does becoming a mommy mean giving up your passions? Sure everyone’s talking about chasing your dreams and never giving up but let’s talk real for a moment. When you become parents you have obligations towards your kids and I’m just talking about the basics. Providing for them, making sure they are fed and dressed that alone considering the number of kids can in itself be more than enough to keep someone busy for all of their time. So when is it that I actually do something for me? In ten years when they grow up and I grow older? Sure I want to lead by example for my girls, be a mom who does it all, but quite frankly I don’t even see how all that is even possible.
So right now I’m focusing on not being so hard on myself. If you have a dream but thinking about that dream gives you knots in your stomach because you don’t see how it can become reality then think about the impact that dream is having on your daily life. A dream is supposed to make you feel free and fill you with hope. If a dream is robbing you from appreciating what you have in the moment then an adjustment is necessary.
So from hence forward I’m allowing myself to put some of my dreams or goals on the back burner for a while. I’ll check in with them later and see if they still are as desirable. I’m also allowing myself to change my mind. Most times we want different things in different stages in our lives but we hold ourselves tied to old objectives because we don’t want to quit or move on before accomplishing them in fear of having to call it a failure. This post goes against all the typical you can do it, don’t quit chasing your dreams content found out there but I’m just trying to be real. I’m just saying if thinking about that dream fills you with anxiety and does not make you happy then what’s the point?
Happy is here and now not when I will do this or that.
I can’t say that I will forget about my dreams, I don’t think I can but I can say that I am definitely going to free myself from the burden I have created for myself.
Kids are going to be home any minute now and instead of getting some work done I’m stuck in a pensive mood thinking what a sad time it is to be a human being. A time when we know more than ever and yet that only seems to be revealing how much we do not know. From philosophy to religion it seems we keep going in circles, big circles indeed but still circles. I know I should focus on getting the laundry done right now but I can’t help to think about mankind and where we’re heading. We don’t know where we came from or where we are going. Why are we given this capacity to wonder if we can’t seem to understand the answer?
And when will humanity really understand the difference between knowing and believing ?
Knock knock ! It’s the door! They’re here! Jeez these kids knock like they’re trying to break down the door! It’s mommy time, I have to go!
I use to not be such a fan of animals but my readings on consciousness have changed that about me. They’ve taught me to observe animals and to learn. Many meditation exercises include animals such as conscious butterfly watching.
Seriously when is the last time you watched a butterfly fly?
I watch a squirrel in our backyard and I wonder. Does the mama squirrel stress out over all the chores she has to do? Does she worry that she won’t build the shelter in time or that she won’t store enough food for the winter? I wonder, does she doubt herself or does she believe in herself?
Is an animal even able to imagine a worst case scenario?
A squirrel is surely capable of fear towards something real but unless it’s dreaming I would imagine it cannot scare itself by imagining worst case scenarios for herself and her fuzzy family. She doesn’t stress too much about it she just goes out there every day, rain or shine. She climbs the trees, stores de fruit, hides the nuts. She just does what she’s got to do to prepare for winter. Every day she trusts that the sun will go down and then come up again tomorrow.
Hmm I guess these books are right. Apparently I can learn from animals.
Now this mama squirrel has to go do mama squirrel things.
But still, I cannot help but wonder. Does that mama squirrel ever feel like she needs a crazy night out to party and unwind?
Sometimes I feel inspired for the love I have for writing. Grateful for the creativity and the opportunity to express. At other times I think about what kind of twisted destiny puts me in a situation where I perhaps finally find my purpose but cannot fulfill it because of circumstances.
Like my current circumstances being that the A1, A2 and A3 are literally yelling at the top of their lungs right now.
I guess that’s what motherhood is really about. Putting yourself aside for your kids.
My problem is that I’m way too hard on myself. I keep falling into the same patterns. Setting up huge expectations from myself then killing myself over them.
For me ?
Hold on a sec. A2 just came over she has a question.
Are you working?
Cause if it’s not I want the computer.
When will you be finished?
Where’s the tree?
How did they take it out?
Hold on I got to stop writing to answer her.
Ok I’m back. I’m sitting outside blogging on the balcony. Nowadays my kids completely hog the laptop. If I seriously look at my keypad right now I can see an old piece of chocolate cake , some playdoh in the cracks and of course a sticker.
I can’t believe A2 just realized now that our tree is gone. It’s been gone for a month! Jack just came out he has a sticker on his shirt.
And now A3. She came out to check if we were still wearing our stickers. All clear!
Where was I ?
Oh ya huge expectations…
Jack’s giving me a look. I think he needs to be heard, got to go.
Creativity is a very powerful thing. Everyone has it either out in the open or tucked in deep. Not everyone expresses it. I realized that the expression of creativity helps me keep calm and reduce anxiety, easier said than done.
But where and how would I even start?
Creativity can be a scary thing. I’m going to create something and then become vulnerable to judgment. Why would I want that? Then again I’m supposed to be seeking discomfort in order to insure self-growth…
So I guess the first thing I need to do is set aside insecurities in order to release creativity.
I think I will focus on this during my next mediation.
During meditation as I inhale and exhale I practice inhaling something I want and exhaling a thought that represents something I want to get rid of.
Some mornings I inhale energy, positivity and courage to face my day and exhale tiredness, negativity and fear.
During my next meditation I’m going to exhale insecurity and inhale creativity.
Of course my children love it. They watched it so many times they know it by heart.
I had two minutes to show that I was a foodie with a big personality that can make something like baklava achievable. Of course there are a million other things I wanted to say but ….I had two minutes.
How about writing to Beethoven. I have Beethoven’s Symphony 7 playing in my headphones as I write this blog post. I’m hoping he will inspire me some kind of genius…So far it’s complicated. Just let go I’m thinking to myself. Just let the words flow, let the thoughts flow. Trust your fingers to move quickly and grab every idea before they vanish away into thin air where they came from. I’m just starting to understand the struggles of an artist. They explode in creativity yet they have to leave desire aside in order to conform to society, succeed and earn a living. I’m a mother of three also trying to find balance between duty and desire.
Balance in general is really what I’m after. Just balance.
I can’t deny that there are times when I can’t help but be sad. The exhaustion gets to me and I start thinking of all the negative sides of my life. But then I suddenly realize that I’m being extremely ungrateful and I bring myself back. I believe being happy is having the capacity to realize that you are sad and have the capacity to bring yourself back to happiness If you choose to. I’ve realized that when I’m sad or down my whole family comes down with me. My children throw more tantrums, my husband suddenly starts complaining… I’m learning to recognize when I’m feeling low and am learning to cheer myself up. Might sound goofy but it’s quite a process. Imagine talking yourself from sad, exhausted and having a bad day to feeling extremely happy, energetic ready to face a day full of challenges just in a few minutes!
Especially if you are a mom, you need to talk yourself out of the low. Post-partum depression is a very real thing and I personally didn’t realize I was having it until I was pretty deep in. I realize I am responsible for my own happiness and energy levels. I want to be happy so I will be happy.
“It’s easy for you to be happy, you have everything” someone once told me. But I can truly say that being happy in the first place is what led me to all the wonderful things in my life. When you are emitting positive energies things just seem to work out. I’m not sure about destiny but I believe there’s a possibility in any direction you go. One just needs to decide in which direction they are going.
There was a time in my life when I thought I knew a lot. Then I discovered how wrong I was.
It’s a mid-summer Monday afternoon and I’ve put all A’s down for naps. Well, I use to put them down for naps, now I order them to go to bed, they don’t listen, I yell a bit, then I use my low finger pointing scary voice while holding my jaw shut very tight so I sound really angry… I have to scare them a little.
And I tell them “If I come back and I see one head lifted from the pillow I’m really going to get mad!”. And leave and go downstairs. At this point I know I have 14 minutes tops before they start sneaking out of bed. What’s the first thing I should do?! Laudry YES! A1 just came back from 5 day scout camp, there is a hockey bag in my living room, filled with dirty, I mean real dirty stuff. Or maybe write a post on my blog ?
As you can see I went for the post. And actually 14 minutes have long passed and I’m cutting mr.Freeze bags for A2 and A3 in the living room…
And A3 is ordering a “Bay-Daid” for her pretend bobo.
I keep thinking I have to end this post but they always seem to always calm back down. Now A2 is teaching A3 a song. At this point I have cookies and mr.freeze on the living room couches and I’m just trying not to lose my cool.
I’m trying to stay calm to actually enjoy the their stillness. Sure they’re making a mess but at least they are quiet. If I start talking loud and waving my hands around they’re gona get nervous and I’m going to have to deal with cries and tantrums. Sometimes I feel the more invisible I am the calmer they are. Grand-parents and teachers speak of their great behavior yet with me… they are a whole other thing. I’m thinking I must be the problem.
Today I’m learning to focus on the moment. I learned that I need to take care of myself first in order to truly understand how to best serve my family. How can I become a better mother, a better lover, a better friend? It’s all in the same way, by Becoming a better person. How to become a better person?
I’m a mother of three and if there’s anything that I want to teach my girls, it’s not to wait to be validated by anyone. I want them to validate themselves. To find out for themselves who and what they are. As I’ve learned to do. For example, I want them to decide for themselves if they are smart or not, and not let the rest of the world decide.
If you do not think that you are smart, then perhaps you are the smartest of them all. And you if you think that you are, that’s great, because that’s exactly what I’m talking about.
A young woman should be able to say “I am smart” Or even “I am beautiful”.
We’ve created a society in which it has become taboo for one to speak richly of oneself. You are considered conceded and full of yourself if you’re heard. Well I don’t think so! I think we should encourage people to believe in themselves. I believe in the power of self-confidence.