Everybody’s afraid of something. Sure we all fear the same things, death, war, ghosts… but then we have that little something that’s not supposed to be scary but still really scares us.
I’m debating wether or not I should disclose my mini-phobia. After all, this is the internet, and telling your weaknesses to the world can only lead to one thing: empowerment.
So what are you afraid of?
I’ll go first…
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Ok, I can’t figure out how to link the accounts. I was hoping to do that before trying out Live Blogging.
Basically I’m posting directly on the Word Press website. I usually type it up on Word, like some kind of essay, then show it to Jack. Then, if it’s ok, I post it. But Jack is more conservative than me. I like to think that I’m more liberal.
Are we seriously talking about Politics?
Julietalks potitics
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It’s Sunday night and as we wait for a new episode of Game of Thrones, I’m going to blog. I want to blog more often but I don’t want to do it knowing I’m taking time away from the kids or Jack.
We’re probably going to end up buying the seasons on Blu-ray because I rarely understand something the first time. I’m not stupid, I just easily get distracted. Ok maybe a little slow at times… I don’t know, the more I mature, the more I realize I really don’t know much. I’m always learning. Well, let me be the proof that smarts or no smarts, if you’re determined, you can make things happen.
I just came back from upstairs, A1 was crying hysterically, her knee hurt. “Growing pains” as we call them. I gave her some Tempra, much lower than the recommended dose; a small dose combined with placebo effect goes a long way. I also tied a scarf around her knee. Doing that helps lessen the pain (in my books anyways), it’s like rubbing your pain, activating the sensation of touch around your pain helps lighten the message of pain to the brain by keeping your nerves busy with another signal, kind of like distracting your brain from the pain.
Today, my parents watched the kids while Jack and I went to see a play. We got there late and missed the first 15 minutes of the play. I want to take the time to write about this play, so I’m going to do it in a post on its own.
“Structure” remember ?…
But this play does deserve a post on its own.
Episode is ready.
“Valar morghulis” to all fellow Game of Thrones fans.
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It’s after school but before supper. A1 and A2 are playing in the backyard while A3’s sleeping inside. I’m sitting on the porch. I’m just letting this sink in. They’re playing outside on their own. There not crying for me, they don’t need anything from me… just on their own.
Already?
It’s feels weird, bitter sweet in a way? I guess I’m going to be like those mothers who feel like their kids grew up too fast and then hold on to their youngest and never let them grow up.
Nah!
Sometimes I think ahead and wonder what kind of journey lies ahead with 3 teenage girls….
I watch Roseanne sometimes and get worried. “We’re quit alike” I think.
Don’t think too far ahead, take it one day at a time. Better yet, don’t only take it one day at a time, enjoy each day, feel each moment and be grateful for what is today. It could all be gone tomorrow.
Easier said than done and even easier read than done.
Sometimes I have to actively stop all my thoughts to ask myself “Am I in the moment?”. I’m usually not. But I would like to be. I’m trying.
Now A2 and A3 are fighting over a toy. Should I interfere? Or let them sort it out on their own. I usually let them deal with each other, I’m not even sure if it’s the right thing to do. I feel like today’s adults are much more involved in the children’s lives. I remember playing in the basement or outside a lot, without my parents hearing all the nonsense I said.
Not sure if it’s a bad or good thing.
I’m going to suddenly change the topic now.
There have been many posts that I’ve deleted, sometimes I felt they went nowhere and other times I felt they were too chaotic and no one in their right mind would be able to follow.
Well, from now on, I’m going to post all of my drafts.
Today a good friend of mine gathered her courage and told me “Your posts need structure, I start reading and give up mid-way because I can’t even follow”
Oh my I gotta go, A2 went inside, she might attack A3, and she has chalk on her face. Not sure if she ate some.
To be continued…
Filed under Humor, life, positive thinking
Finally ! Some down time.
Jack is finally watching tonight’s game. It’s recorded so that he can watch it peacefully once the girls are sleeping. Last time we watched a game together, I asked too many questions and then really aggravated him when I said that the opposite team seem to be better skaters. “They glide better” I said, while our team was losing 5 to 1. Needless to say, I learned a new lesson.
Note to self: Do not say anything negative about the team during a bad game.
In fact, I should’ve stuck with simply not talking to him during the game. What was I thinking?
He was so emotional about it… jeez.
I’ve also learned that to keep our marriage happy I should only say half of the things I’m thinking to say. A less talkative me makes a much happier him.
Poor him he’s got 3 more to deal with, and they all seem to be growing up to be as talkative as me.
Today at the dinner table, A1 asked “Next time I sleep at granma’s I’m going to make cookies, do you think that’s a good idea, a bad idea, a very good idea, a very bad idea, a very very bad idea or a very very good idea?”
Waaaaaaaa? Again we just stand there without an answer. We lost you after “cookie” kid!
Last time at dinner, conversation was about Elephant Poo. “Do you think the Elephant poops this much?” A1 shows the size of a pile, “Or this much?” she show’s a bigger pile. Jack answers “Thiiiiiiiiis muuuuuuuuch!” even A2 was participating to the conversation, after all it was mostly sign language, and poo is a word she knows well.
Poo is a word we know well too. You expect to have to deal with poop when becoming a parent, but no one tells you that it will end up in your hair, on your face and under your socks at least once at some point of the process. You better wish it happens sooner than later, because the older they get, the more real their poop gets. When they’re new born and only drink milk, it barely qualifies as poop, it’s more like mud. It doesn’t even smell all that bad. But when they’re all food group eating toddlers….ooof!
I remember, a long time ago, when my grandmother was changing my bratty little brother’s poopy diaper, he wouldn’t stay put. Poor woman was left in sweats by the time she managed to get him cleaned up. She grabbed a wipe to wipe her face only to realize she had just used the dirty poopy wipe on her face.
I was 8, I laughed so hard not knowing life had similar plans reserved for me…
If someone’s ever scared you by running after you with a Kleenex containing a squished spider, a dirty diaper filled with stinking, hot S&*% is good payback.
Well, I just spent 260 words talking about crap. That’s why blogs are so great, anything goes!
I think next time I’ll write about farts. Oh! So much to say!
Btw after the last post I went to check on the kids and found this.
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Kids are asleep and Jack’s watching the game.
This morning when I changed A3’s diaper, half a pretzel came out of it. How did it get there? Probably A2’s doing. I felt really bad, imagine spending the night with a sharp edged piece of Pretzel in your underwear.
I’ve had my loved ones worry about me after the last post Face your fears and look inside. There’s nothing to worry about, I think I’m on the right track by being conscious of it all. It being how I feel, what I think…
We’re all pretty fragile if you think about it. What are emotions? Emotions are a direct result of non-other than chemistry, hormones and neurotransmitters …
“It’s normal, you just had three kids”
Yes it’s normal that my body is out of balance and that it leaves me feeling anxious, and out of my usual self. It might be normal, but I don’t want it. I want to be in control of my own emotions and feelings.
I better learn to do what I need to do before menopause comes along with 5 times more chemical imbalances and makes me go completely insane for good. If you’ve ever felt cranky or moody because of your period cycle, because you’ve been overworked or because of lack of sleep, then you’re in the exact same boat as me, letting your body influence your mood.
Since men naturally don’t experience many drastic hormonal shifts in their life time, they are more stable in this perspective. I look at Jack, and seems like all he needs to relax and unwind is watching a good game of Hockey.
We went to a game last Saturday; it practically felt like a religious gathering. 21 273 people gathered, uniting their thoughts and positive energy towards the same goal and chanting is unison… If Hockey matters to these people as much as is matters to Jack, then it practically is a religion. In the end isn’t it the role of religion to bring beings to peace, tame their worries and bring them closer together?
This is what I was thinking about during the game… then I started staring at the building’s structure and started to worry about its stability and where we should head in case of an emergency…
Do we ever stop worrying?!
All this to say, I am now conscious of the effect of physical life events on my inner self and I want to gain full control of it. I want to be who I am no matter what hormonal phase of my life I’m in, no matter how much sleep I’ve had and no matter how much stress this life throws my way.
How? Not sure yet …
But I’ll find a way.
P.S A great win for our team tonight. Extra yey for me!
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“Face your fears” is what I’ve been telling myself lately.
The older I get, the more I get to know myself. Maturing I guess.
Last week, I went out with some girlfriends to see a band play in a bar. Place was packed, probably over 100 people present. After a short chat with the singer of the band, she decided to call me up on stage before they started playing to “Say a few words”. I hadn’t planned anything; I just went up there and winged it. I don’t remember everything that I said; we were in a bar after all and had been drinking. I just know that the first thing I said was “Hi I’m Julie and I have 3 kids!”
Great intro for a rock band!
I continued babbling things… tried to pump the crowd… told the ladies in the audience they should get their bras signed by the band members…
What was I thinking? I don’t know! I was just having fun. When I sat back down some of my friends were looking at me like “What just happened?” and some that have come to know this side of me had a “No surprise here” kind of face. One of them turned to me and told me “Julie, you’re the most fearless woman I know”.
And believe it or not, that comment’s been in my head since then.
I am not fearless; I am the most fearful person I know. I am scared of everything.
It’s easy to let fear guide you. It will guide you towards safety. No risks, no taking chances, no experimenting… is that what we want?
Believe it or not that’s exactly the dilemma I’m living right now. I have fears in me… should I face them? Or just go towards whatever is safer…after all I have 3 kids.
I can’t imagine what you are thinking reading this. You’re probably think I’m a complete nut job. Well lately that’s what I’ve been thinking too. Ever since I gave birth to A3 my mind has changed. Ok, it’s not that it’s changed; it’s as if it’s always been the same but I’m just starting to realize what it’s like.
Maybe 3 kids are what it took to get me to start looking on the inside. I look on the inside and I get scared.
That tells me there’s a lot of work to be done there.
I’ve been stressed out all morning…with all these thoughts in my head. Now that I’m writing it all out, it’s making more sense. I guess this blog does help channel my stress. I know I knew this before, because I’ve mentioned it in a previous post. But it still seems like I just realized it now.Basically, I do feel better now after having written this.
Some people have the ability to center themselves and work on their inner self. Others need something to shake them and wake them up to start doing so. And most will go on with life never making this realization…
I think I’m being woken up right now.
It’s taken a lot for me to even start thinking about these things… a lot has happened to me in the past 5 years and now I’m finally learning about life.
All these thoughts running through my head ever since A3.I’ve thought it to be many things; maybe they are symptoms of baby blues? Maybe the baby blues combined with the winter blues? Maybe I’m a bit depressed? Maybe these hormones are making me crazy? Maybe I’m becoming a soft bipolar?
Or maybe this life is over whelming and I just need to calm down and learn to relax.
“You need to take good care of yourself, so you can take care of others.” They say, and they are right.
It’s more than taking care of my body and mind….
I need to take care of my soul.
P.s If you think I’ve lost my marbles…wait till you find out what I googled today. (Well one person already knows, and it’s not Jack)
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Jack’s watching the game, A1’s painting, A2’s talking in her crib and A3’s sleeping on the couch right next to me. I can hear the neighbour’s dog barking; a little one with a loud voice that barks at air, right outside A2’s window. That’s probably why she’s not sleeping.
A1 suddenly asks:
“Mom, are we poor?”
“Can you hear what I’m thinking?”
And while I stare at her with a thousand thoughts in my head, she adds “What are you looking at?”
What? I don’t know what to think. First of all, I never thought I’d have to deal with a pre-teen attitude so early on. Second of all, one question at a time. Well, I shouldn’t talk, if she’s anything like me, there’s no such thing as one at a time. Why do they only pick up our negative traits?
“Don’t run, you’ll fall!” My father use to yell out every time I ran. If you saw the way I run you would be worried too. It’s a kind of running with inappropriate arm gestures and unequal steps. Now, that’s imprinted in my head, and every time I run, I fall. This week as A1 was running, her godfather yelled out “Don’t run you’ll fall!”. I saw her run… like mother like daughter.
I just told A1 that it’s bed time. She yelled out “No!” with a little stomp in her foot. I can’t even get mad at her. I know I should… or shouldn’t I ? I don’t even know… She’s painting, in peace, alone, without A2 pulling on her hair and taking her things. I’ll let her be…
What’s more important, an obedient daughter or an understanding mother?
Poor A3, four months old, has seen more chaos than some people have seen in a lifetime. Last week she got woken up by A2 pulling off her blanket and tickling her feet! “ Giddi, giddi, giddy” she said.
A1 just got up and did a tap dance.
“Shhhh your sisters are sleeping!”
I know with experience that the sound “Shhhhhhhh” is one of the loudest sounds you can make. Especially when you’re aggravated and are trying to express your anger towards the noise but can’t make any noise yourself. It’s happened so many times that the “Shhhh” wakes the baby after the noise has already been made.
A3 just went downstairs. Its way past her bed time and Jack is surprised to see her still up. He’s yelling for me “Julie!”… I can’t yell back! A3’s sleeping right next to me!! I have to get up.
…Ok, I’m back. A1’s in bed.
Earlier, when A2 was still awake, I was rocking A3, she was crying hysterically because she couldn’t sleep in all the noise. I took her away from the family room into the living room. I rocked her to sleep but she was waking up every time the kids would make a sound. So as I was rocking her I stuck my finger in her ear. Her other ear was blocked because she was leaning on me. As soon as she seemed to fall asleep…Along came A2 wobbling on over, with a chocolate chicken in her hand. That chocolate chicken that I gave her and got in trouble for by Jack “Why are you giving her chocolate before bed time ?”
Oh my! I just realized that’s why she’s not sleeping and talking in her crib. It’s not the dog at all!
So, I was rocking A3 with my finger in her ear, when A2 came over with chocolate all over her hands and face. She came closer and closer. All I was thinking was please not the living room couches! I was torn! Should I call out for Jack at the risk of waking A3 up or stay quiet and let A2 ruin the couches?
What’s more important clean couches or a baby’s peaceful sleep?
I whispered “Jack!”, he didn’t hear me… How could he, he’s way over in the kitchen. After a few seconds he came looking for chocolate covered A2 and took her away.
A few minutes later, she escaped from him again. This time I saw her going straight for the stairs. “Jack” I whispered… nothing.
What’s more important a baby’s peaceful sleep or a toddler’s safety?
I called out for Jack and woke A3 up.
Back to square 1.
Btw we use an upside down storage bin as a coffee table and the top of the blender as a pitcher… maybe that’s why she asks if we’re poor…DO YOU BLAME HER?
Home team won tonight. Jack will be in a better mood.
Yey for me !
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After a very long day, kids finally asleep, sunken deep into the basement couch, we realize we forgot to bring down the baby monitor. Who’s going to go get it?
I am. Be right back.
You can’t really argue over this one… every moment that passes counts. What if baby’s crying and we can’t hear her because we’re wasting time arguing about who’s going to go upstairs to get the monitor. Now that I did this one, he’ll have to do the next thing that comes up. With 3 kids in the house anything could come up any time.
Later when the washer stops I’ll ask him to empty the washer into the dryer. Last time he did, I heard him yell from the washroom “For once I’d like to open the washer and find MY clothes in there!”
It’s true, it’s never his laundry. It’s always the girls’ pink laundry.
Jack’s yelling at the TV again. Good thing I’ve got this blog. What else would I be doing while he watches the game?
What do the wives and girlfriends of the world do while the guys are watching the game? I’m sure some really enjoy it and others only pretend… Let’s not go there.
Well a confident woman doesn’t need to pretend about anything. Life is too short to pretend anything. We should focus on being real. Reality has become a rarity and it’s sad.
So our deal is I blog while he watches the game. That’s why I hope our team goes to the playoffs.
From laundry, to pretending, to hockey. “You need more structure in your texts” someone once told me.
I need more structure in my head!
This is exactly how thoughts go through my mind, I go from topic to topic and it’s exhausting. If I’m exhausting myself with my thoughts imagine how it must be for Jack to hear me talk about everything that I’m thinking about. This kind of thought process combined with decreased memory is a complete disaster.
It’s all good with Jack as long as it’s not during the game.
It’s easy to keep a man happy.
Ouf! Big statement I just made there and I stand by it. Most men are clear about what they want and don’t want. Now whether or not we have the will to allow it…well that’s another thing.
Note I wrote “Most men”. I know a few men who seem pretty complicated from my point of view…
Games over, home team lost…
Got to go.
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Kids are asleep and Jack’s watching the game, perfect time to blog.
After 4 days of all the kids being home, the house looks like a war zone. The good thing about this is that if a robber breaks into our house he’ll think that this house has already been robbed. Everything is on the floor! Cleaning will have to be for another day because I’m beat!
This tiredness is unlike any other, it feels like finally getting home after a long trip and then having to do it all over again, right away without any rest, then again and again for months and months, years and years…
“Take it day by day” I hear.
I’m trying, I’m learning to not think too far ahead, but it’s hard. I can’t help but worry about everything. I guess you’ve got to take it day by day for the sake of sanity alone. Kind of like a prison sentence I guess…
“Did she just call motherhood a prison sentence?!”
No, that can’t be right. They let you sleep in prison. Well, in this country anyways.
Lately, my memory is shot and worse than ever. It helps to have taken pictures of everything because it helps me remember what we did. Easter weekend, a lot of dressing up, we usually spend our weekends in pyjamas. Not this weekend! I’ll have to look at the pictures to know what we actually did. It’s scary how quickly we all forget everything. What did you have for lunch yesterday? Can you remember?
It doesn’t count! You remember because it was Easter and you were out.
What did you do Friday night?
Well ?
I sure don’t have a clue!
Maybe I’m the only one? Where am I going with this?
I have to move, Jack’s looking for the remote. Jack’s always looking for something. Where are my glasses? Where are my dentures? Where is my toothbrush? You would think he’s an 80 year old man.
Jack just asked: Why are you laughing by yourself?
He looked over and saw I wrote “Dentures”.
Jack: What are you doing? Don’t write that!
Me: (hiding the screen) Just let me write what I’m thinking before I forget, then I’ll let you read, and we’ll post it if it’s ok with you.
(If you can read all this it means he approves)
What was I saying? The good thing about a blog is that you can read back and know what you were saying. Let me look back.,,
Oh ya, dentures. He calls his mouth guard dentures. He sleeps with that thing because he grinds his teeth at night. A1 does too, in the worse kind of way. It sounds like she’s cracking candy with her teeth all night.
I’ve got to say, I can’t blame him for losing his toothbrush. A2 has a thing for toothbrushes, she’s attached to them just like some kids are attached to blankets or stuffed animals. We’ve bought her a few toothbrushes; she always has one with her but she keeps losing them. So we’re always looking for her toothbrushes.
Basically we’re all always looking for something. I sometimes find myself walking around the house looking for something, and having to stop because I can’t remember what I was looking for.
So when A2’s throwing a fit and I have to give her a toothbrush and can’t find any of hers I give her Jack’s.
Jack: Where’s my toothbrush?
Me: I’m not sure…maybe in the car?
Right this moment Jack’s getting mad at me because he’s been talking to me and it seems I wasn’t listening. I was busy writing about his toothbrush.
It’s ok, he does this to me all the time. Just earlier, while he was watching the game:
Jack: Where are my glasses?
Me: In our bedroom, behind the curtain of the middle window. Hello? Are you listening?
Jack nods while frozen standing in front of the TV : ya ya
Me: I just told you where your glasses are, you didn’t listen and now I’m going downstairs.
Jack: Wait! Where you going? I asked you where my glasses were?!
Me: Why do you ask a question if you’re not going to listen to the answer?
Jack: Huh? Leave me alone, I’m watching the game!
While he squints at the screen because he can’t see properly without his glasses.
Yesterday while we were driving home from somewhere…I don’t remember where, I would have to check the camera to remember. I asked Jack:
“What’s the most important thing a girl that doesn’t know anything about hockey, should know?”
His reply was something like this:
“First thing’s first. Names, teams, numbers, dates don’t matter. All she needs to know is not to bother the guy during the game. No talking, no arguments and especially no turning off the TV during the game!”
I did that once, I turned the TV off while he was watching the game. Not only that, I pulled the plug off the digital cable box so that it can take time to reload…yes…evil…I know.
We were newlyweds then, I’ve learned a lot since then. I would never do that today. I’ve learned to leave him alone during the game, and I wait for intermissions to talk to him. Unless he asks me where his glasses are!!
I mostly blog while he watches the game, this way I don’t bother him. Then at the commercials he starts talking to me and gets mad if I’m not listening…
Ok games over. We won. Jack will be in a good mood tonight.
Yey for me!
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