Knock knock ! Who’s there ? Nobody knows.

Kids are going to be home any minute now and I’m thinking what a sad time it is to be a human being. A time when we know more than ever and yet that only seems to be revealing how much we do not know. From philosophy to religion it seems we keep going in circles, big circles indeed but still circles. I know I should focus on getting the laundry done right now but I can’t help to think about mankind and where we’re heading. We don’t know where we came from or where we are going. Why are we given this capacity to wonder if we can’t seem to understand the answer?

And when will humanity really understand the difference between knowing and believing ?

Knock knock ! It’s the door! They’re here! Jeez these kids knock like they’re trying to break down the door! It’s mommy time, I have to go!

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Just Grab Your Nuts

Just Grab Your Nuts

I use to not be such a fan of animals but my readings on consciousness have changed that about me. They’ve taught me to observe animals and to learn. Many meditation exercises include animals such as conscious butterfly watching.

Seriously when is the last time you watched a butterfly fly?

I watch a squirrel in our backyard and I wonder. Does the mama squirrel stress out over all the chores she has to do?  Does she worry that she won’t build the shelter in time or that she won’t store enough food for the winter?  I wonder, does she doubt herself or does she believe in herself?

Is an animal even able to imagine a worst case scenario?

Probably not.

A squirrel is surely capable of fear towards something real but unless it’s dreaming I would imagine it cannot scare itself by imagining worst case scenarios for herself and her fuzzy family. She doesn’t stress too much about it she just goes out there every day, rain or shine. She climbs the trees, stores de fruit, hides the nuts. She just does what she’s got to do to prepare for winter. Every day she trusts that the sun will go down and then come up again tomorrow.

Hmm I guess these books are right. Apparently I can learn from animals.

Now this mama squirrel has to go do mama squirrel things.

But still, I cannot help but wonder. Does that mama squirrel ever feel like she needs a crazy night out to party and unwind?

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Thank you ?

Sometimes I feel inspired for the love I have for writing. Grateful for the creativity and the opportunity to express.  At other times I think about what kind of twisted destiny puts me in a situation where I perhaps  finally find my  purpose but  cannot fulfill it because of  circumstances.

Like my current circumstances being that the A1, A2 and A3  are literally yelling at the top of their lungs right now.

I guess that’s what motherhood is really about.  Putting yourself aside for  your kids.

Or is it?

Ok they are literally on top….of me….right now.

Got to go.

Still stuck on the law of Dharma

And yes that’s a tube of Egg decorating glue.

 

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Stick it to me!

Stick it to me.

My problem is that I’m way too hard on myself. I keep falling into the same patterns. Setting up huge expectations from myself then killing myself over them.

For who?

For me ?

Hold on a sec. A2 just came over she has a question.

  • Are you working?
  • Cause if it’s not I want the computer.
  • When will you be finished?
  • Where’s the tree?
  • How did they take it out?
  • Hello?

Hold on I got to stop writing to answer her.

Ok I’m back.  I’m sitting outside blogging on the balcony. Nowadays my kids completely hog the laptop. If I seriously look at my keypad right now I can see an old piece of chocolate cake , some playdoh in the cracks and of course a sticker.

I can’t believe A2 just realized now that our tree is gone. It’s been gone for a month! Jack just came out he has a sticker on his shirt.

And now A3.  She came out to check if we were still wearing our stickers.  All clear!

Where was I ?

Oh ya huge expectations…

Jack’s giving me a look. I think he needs to be heard, got to go.

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Mom Guilt Are you guilty?

What is Mom Guilt? Mom guilt is that feeling that will never truly allow you to relax because every time you’re about to relax Mom Guilt starts up and you start wondering:

  • “Is there anything else I should be doing right now” …. And then you get up. Because of course there is.

I’m working on recognizing the Mom Guilt in me and addressing it.

Next time I find a moment for myself and  I feel mom guilt I want to recognize it, suppress my negative self-talk and I want to tell myself that I deserve this time to myself.momguilt

A2 calling me… got to go.

 

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Thoughtful Thursday : The Power of Creativity

Creativity is a very powerful thing. Everyone has it either out in the open or tucked in deep. Not everyone expresses it. I realized that the expression of creativity helps me keep calm and reduce anxiety, easier said than done.

But where and how would I even start?

Creativity can be a scary thing. I’m going to create something and then become vulnerable to judgment. Why would I want that? Then again I’m supposed to be seeking discomfort in order to insure self-growth…

So I guess the first thing I need to do is set aside insecurities in order to release creativity.

I think I will focus on this during my next mediation.

During meditation as I inhale and exhale I practice inhaling something I want and exhaling a thought that represents something I want to get rid of.

Some mornings I inhale energy, positivity and courage to face my day and exhale tiredness, negativity and fear.

During my next meditation I’m going to exhale insecurity and inhale creativity.

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So I made a dorky audition video

So I made a dorky audition video.

Of course my children love it. They watched it so many times they know it by heart.

I had two minutes to show that I was a foodie with a big personality that can make something like baklava achievable. Of course there are a million other things I wanted to say but ….I had two minutes.

Express Accordion Baklava recipe.

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Beethoven Getting Me Up

Beethoven Getting Me Up

How about writing to Beethoven. I have Beethoven’s Symphony 7 playing in my headphones as I write this blog post. I’m hoping he will inspire me some kind of genius…So far it’s complicated. Just let go I’m thinking to myself. Just let the words flow, let the thoughts flow. Trust your fingers to move quickly and grab every idea before they vanish away into thin air where they came from. I’m just starting to understand the struggles of an artist. They explode in creativity yet they have to leave desire aside in order to conform to society, succeed and earn a living. I’m a mother of three also trying to find balance between duty and desire.

Balance in general is really what I’m after. Just balance.

I can’t deny that there are times when I can’t help but be sad. The exhaustion gets to me and I start thinking of all the negative sides of my life. But then I suddenly realize that I’m being extremely ungrateful and I bring myself back. I believe being happy is having the capacity to realize that you are sad and have the capacity to bring yourself back to happiness If you choose to. I’ve realized that when I’m sad or down my whole family comes down with me. My children throw more tantrums, my husband suddenly starts complaining… I’m learning to recognize when I’m feeling low and am learning to cheer myself up. Might sound goofy but it’s quite a process. Imagine talking yourself from sad, exhausted and having a bad day to feeling extremely happy, energetic ready to face a day full of challenges just in a few minutes!

Especially if you are a mom, you need to talk yourself out of the low. Post-partum depression is a very real thing and I personally didn’t realize I was having it until I was pretty deep in. I realize I am responsible for my own happiness and energy levels. I want to be happy so I will be happy.

“It’s easy for you to be happy, you have everything” someone once told me. But I can truly say that being happy in the first place is what led me to all the wonderful things in my life. When you are emitting positive energies things just seem to work out. I’m not sure about destiny but I believe there’s a possibility in any direction you go. One just needs to decide in which direction they are going.

Personally I choose up.

 

bethoven

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Julie’s Kitchen Diaries

I never thought I’d be thinking about add prices and product placement deals for my videos. I just did them for fun.

I guess this is what happens you just follow your heart.

http://www.julieskitchendiaries.com/

Julie’s Kitchen Diaries

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Overwhelmed Mama

Monday July 25,2016

There was a time in my life when I thought I knew a lot. Then I discovered how wrong I was.

It’s a mid-summer Monday afternoon and I’ve put all A’s down for naps. Well, I use to put them down for naps, now I order them to go to bed, they don’t listen, I yell a bit, then I use my low finger pointing scary voice while holding my jaw shut very tight so I sound really angry… I have to scare them a little.

And I tell them “If I come back and I see one head lifted from the pillow I’m really going to get mad!”. And leave and go downstairs. At this point I know I have 14 minutes tops before they start sneaking out of bed. What’s the first thing I should do?! Laudry YES! A1 just came back from 5 day scout camp, there is a hockey bag in my living room, filled with dirty, I mean real dirty stuff. Or maybe write a post on my blog ?

As you can see I went for the post. And actually 14 minutes have long passed and I’m cutting mr.Freeze bags for A2 and A3 in the living room…

And A3 is ordering a “Bay-Daid” for her pretend bobo.

I keep thinking I have to end this post but they always seem to always calm back down. Now A2 is teaching A3 a song. At this point I have cookies and mr.freeze on the living room couches and I’m just trying not to lose my cool.

IMG_1003 I’m trying to stay calm to actually enjoy the their stillness. Sure they’re making a mess but at least they are quiet. If I start talking loud and waving my hands around they’re gona get nervous and I’m going to have to deal with cries and tantrums. Sometimes I feel the more invisible I am the calmer they are. Grand-parents and teachers speak of their great behavior yet with me… they are a whole other thing. I’m thinking I must be the problem.

Today I’m learning to focus on the moment. I learned that I need to take care of myself first in order to truly understand how to best serve my family. How can I become a better mother, a better lover, a better friend? It’s all in the same way, by Becoming a better person. How to become a better person?

Start by calming down.

Breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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As I’ve said before I don’t need anyone to validate me.

I’m a mother of three and if there’s anything that I want to teach my girls, it’s not to wait to be validated by anyone. I want them to validate themselves. To find out for themselves who and what they are. As I’ve learned to do. For example, I want them to decide for themselves if they are smart or not, and not let the rest of the world decide.

If you do not think that you are smart, then perhaps you are the smartest of them all. And you if you think that you are, that’s great, because that’s exactly what I’m talking about.

A young woman should be able to say “I am smart” Or even “I am beautiful”.

We’ve created a society in which it has become taboo for one to speak richly of oneself.  You are considered conceded and full of yourself if you’re heard.  Well I don’t think so! I think we should encourage people to believe in themselves. I believe in the power of self-confidence.

I’m on fire !

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Parenting: Still trying to figure it out.

Kids are finally asleep. I’m sitting here feeling overwhelmed, running the entire day back in my head wondering if I did this parenting thing right. Wondering what I could’ve done differently.images

Sometimes I think it was much easier when they were babies, sure I didn’t know what to do at times: What to do when they have a fever? How to soothe a colic? When to start baby food? But Google always had the answer.

Now I’m faced with much bigger challenges: What to do when my child misbehaves? How to properly discipline my child? When should I be a good cop and when should the bad?

I use to think that I was doing a good job parenting but the more they grow up and I see the fruit of my labor… I wonder.

Parenting is a constant guilt trip.  We get a little short tempered and feel bad right after. If I yell  at them during bed time I lie awake for hours afterwards shaking my head at myself thinking “I could’ve done better; I should’ve been more patient”.

Yes I feel overwhelmed at times, three little girls, with different characters, each with a different need every second. Sometimes I feel short of losing my mind. Now they’re interacting with each other, sometimes horribly clashing other times harmoniously bonding.

In this journey as a parent I’ve learned a few things. I’ve learned that I cannot make or break my child’s character and that alone helped relieve some pressure.

Another thing I’ve learned from my kids is forgiveness. Have you noticed that you could screw up real bad sometimes but they will always forgive you and accept your smiles and affection? They don’t hold grudges and know how to love unconditionally.

It is known that a parent loves their child more than the child loves the parent, but sometimes I think that the opposite might also be true. Not because we love them less than they love us, but because it seems like they simply know how to love better than us adults.

Perhaps we are all born with the capacity for unconditional love and then life happens…

They’re newer, closer to the way we were created. Life hasn’t taken too much of its toll on them yet. They still love by instinct.

Writing this right now makes me realize that I have no reason to worry for not being a perfect parent, for the children are smarter, purer, and more able than we think.  No need to feel guilty as long as you are aware of yourself and strive to be better.

Next time you think you made a mistake, perhaps lost patience, maybe even threw something or someone…

Just stop, look at them, tell them you’re sorry, hold them and see the unconditional love they have for you.

I feel better now.

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Love Talk

photo (2)

I’m sitting here wondering.

Can anyone choose to fall in Love?

I mean can someone actually decide to fall in Love? Or does it just happen.

Let’s look at this backwards for a second.

Can anyone decide to not fall in Love?

You know, like when your body’s saying yes but your mind is telling you no. You decide and you stop. It’s called will . You have free will and you should use it.

Imagine a young woman who realizes she’s made a mistake by marrying her husband.

I’m wondering:  Can’t she just choose to fall in Love?

Imagine a young princess promised to a prince.

Does she choose to fall in Love? She better.

What about Adam and Eve?

Thank God  Adam was her  type…

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It’s past midnight. Happy Mother’s Day to me.

IMG_8136

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Thank you!

IMG_7988

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My Saturday night

Now he just told me it’s not Saturday night.
Ok so let’s start this again.

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Julie’s Kitchen Diaries

Finally released. Julie’s Kitchen Diaries Episode 1 features special guest Ara Ekmekdjian aka Chef Zona.

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Open Doors: Who still goes to church?

open doors1Open Doors

A2’s day care is stuck to our community church, and now that they’ve locked the daycare side entrance door you have no choice but to go through the main entrance and walk past the open doors of the church. I feel guilty to just walk by it and not go in for a moment. I feel like I’ll be cursed if I just walked by. Especially that A1 is with me every day during that part of our daily routine. Maybe the side doors being locked are the local priest’s strategy to bring us closer to the church. Now that’s slick. I can say that I’m pretty lost in my spiritual identity but I know that being raised with religion gave me a certain peace of mind as a child. I was taught to pray and used it in time of need. Sure I might’ve prayed for the teacher not to check my homework or for that bully to leave me alone in the school bus, but I had something there, something to give me hope and keep my spirits high. I want my children to have at least that. Something to sooth them or ease their pain when they’re on their own. So every day we walk into church and take a moment. Every day we walk in and I take the time to be grateful and think about what I really want from myself. Honestly sometimes I just stand there soaking in the silence. Today I asked for… I didn’t know what to ask for… So many things on my mind…

I asked to want less.

I asked, please lord, help me want less.

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