Category Archives: Motherhood

November 5, 2018 · 12:09 am

Don’t count the days. Make the days count.

It’s almost midnight and I just finished packing the kids’ lunches.

Surely every mother feels the same. They exhaust the hell out of me, I’ll admit  that at times I might even count down the hours and minutes until bed time and yet once they’re finally  down I watch them sleep and think to myself  “ I don’t want  them to grow up”.

I remember rocking a few months old A3 a few years ago. She had been crying and I had been rocking her for hours until she finally fell asleep. I just wanted to put her down already. I remember thinking to myself that in the midst of that chaotic day I hadn’t even taken the time to really just look at her. I consoled myself and thought “it’s ok; she’ll still look the same tomorrow”.

Today is five years later and the memory of that precise moment when I thought to myslef that she wouldn’t change and how I could always look at her tomorrow is crystal clear in my mind yet the memory of what she actually looked like has completely faded away.

I guess we really do have to make the most of each day.

Jack just came into the room. He’s looking at me funny. Ok now he’s blowing kisses my way.

Well today is not over  just yet and  since I want to make the most of today perhaps  I should cut this post short and go be with him.

Jack : “When are you going to be done with your post?”

Me: “I’m done”

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Aside

Zombie Mom

mombie5:59 am this morning our three kids barged into our bedroom fully disguised and yelled HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Thanks for that morning jolt kids!  Jack woke up in a panic. I was in shock too. I was trying to understand how they were suddenly able to manage to dress themselves and get ready all by themselves when the rest of the school mornings they roll in their beds while I try to dress them.

Yup it’s Halloween aka mommy overtime. I apologize for my lack of enthusiasm, some days I am a Marry Poppins kind of mom but today doesn’t feel like one of those days. Today it’s just Zombie mom.

A working, cleaning, cooking, planning exhausted zombie mom.

I know I should make more time for myself. I’m trying but part of the problem is that we’ve been taught to play only after the work is done and the thing with motherhood is that the work is never done.

Never ever ever.

Never.

Oh how I had imagined parenthood in my dreams. I had only imagined the breezy and happy moments. I would imagine a happy family sitting at a dinner table. I used to imagine my future children so proper and well mannered. I thought of course they will sit still at dinner time, try to eat by themselves and engage into peaceful social interaction among themselves while we adults get a chance to catch up.

All I got to say to my young self is…

Ba-ha-ha! Ridiculous!

I guess the first stage of parenting is realizing how different it really is from what you could have ever imagined. The rest well I can’t really say. I’m still figuring it out for myself and truthfully it seems like the more the years pass the less I feel  I have it figured out.

Ok enough sulking let’s go hustle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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October 31, 2018 · 9:54 am
October 5, 2018 · 2:54 pm

Just Grab Your Nuts

Just Grab Your Nuts

I use to not be such a fan of animals but my readings on consciousness have changed that about me. They’ve taught me to observe animals and to learn. Many meditation exercises include animals such as conscious butterfly watching.

Seriously when is the last time you watched a butterfly fly?

I watch a squirrel in our backyard and I wonder. Does the mama squirrel stress out over all the chores she has to do?  Does she worry that she won’t build the shelter in time or that she won’t store enough food for the winter?  I wonder, does she doubt herself or does she believe in herself?

Is an animal even able to imagine a worst case scenario?

Probably not.

A squirrel is surely capable of fear towards something real but unless it’s dreaming I would imagine it cannot scare itself by imagining worst case scenarios for herself and her fuzzy family. She doesn’t stress too much about it she just goes out there every day, rain or shine. She climbs the trees, stores de fruit, hides the nuts. She just does what she’s got to do to prepare for winter. Every day she trusts that the sun will go down and then come up again tomorrow.

Hmm I guess these books are right. Apparently I can learn from animals.

Now this mama squirrel has to go do mama squirrel things.

But still, I cannot help but wonder. Does that mama squirrel ever feel like she needs a crazy night out to party and unwind?

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December 7, 2016 · 12:39 am

Beethoven Getting Me Up

Beethoven Getting Me Up

How about writing to Beethoven. I have Beethoven’s Symphony 7 playing in my headphones as I write this blog post. I’m hoping he will inspire me some kind of genius…So far it’s complicated. Just let go I’m thinking to myself. Just let the words flow, let the thoughts flow. Trust your fingers to move quickly and grab every idea before they vanish away into thin air where they came from. I’m just starting to understand the struggles of an artist. They explode in creativity yet they have to leave desire aside in order to conform to society, succeed and earn a living. I’m a mother of three also trying to find balance between duty and desire.

Balance in general is really what I’m after. Just balance.

I can’t deny that there are times when I can’t help but be sad. The exhaustion gets to me and I start thinking of all the negative sides of my life. But then I suddenly realize that I’m being extremely ungrateful and I bring myself back. I believe being happy is having the capacity to realize that you are sad and have the capacity to bring yourself back to happiness If you choose to. I’ve realized that when I’m sad or down my whole family comes down with me. My children throw more tantrums, my husband suddenly starts complaining… I’m learning to recognize when I’m feeling low and am learning to cheer myself up. Might sound goofy but it’s quite a process. Imagine talking yourself from sad, exhausted and having a bad day to feeling extremely happy, energetic ready to face a day full of challenges just in a few minutes!

Especially if you are a mom, you need to talk yourself out of the low. Post-partum depression is a very real thing and I personally didn’t realize I was having it until I was pretty deep in. I realize I am responsible for my own happiness and energy levels. I want to be happy so I will be happy.

“It’s easy for you to be happy, you have everything” someone once told me. But I can truly say that being happy in the first place is what led me to all the wonderful things in my life. When you are emitting positive energies things just seem to work out. I’m not sure about destiny but I believe there’s a possibility in any direction you go. One just needs to decide in which direction they are going.

Personally I choose up.

 

bethoven

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July 28, 2016 · 3:14 pm

Overwhelmed Mama

Monday July 25,2016

There was a time in my life when I thought I knew a lot. Then I discovered how wrong I was.

It’s a mid-summer Monday afternoon and I’ve put all A’s down for naps. Well, I use to put them down for naps, now I order them to go to bed, they don’t listen, I yell a bit, then I use my low finger pointing scary voice while holding my jaw shut very tight so I sound really angry… I have to scare them a little.

And I tell them “If I come back and I see one head lifted from the pillow I’m really going to get mad!”. And leave and go downstairs. At this point I know I have 14 minutes tops before they start sneaking out of bed. What’s the first thing I should do?! Laudry YES! A1 just came back from 5 day scout camp, there is a hockey bag in my living room, filled with dirty, I mean real dirty stuff. Or maybe write a post on my blog ?

As you can see I went for the post. And actually 14 minutes have long passed and I’m cutting mr.Freeze bags for A2 and A3 in the living room…

And A3 is ordering a “Bay-Daid” for her pretend bobo.

I keep thinking I have to end this post but they always seem to always calm back down. Now A2 is teaching A3 a song. At this point I have cookies and mr.freeze on the living room couches and I’m just trying not to lose my cool.

IMG_1003 I’m trying to stay calm to actually enjoy the their stillness. Sure they’re making a mess but at least they are quiet. If I start talking loud and waving my hands around they’re gona get nervous and I’m going to have to deal with cries and tantrums. Sometimes I feel the more invisible I am the calmer they are. Grand-parents and teachers speak of their great behavior yet with me… they are a whole other thing. I’m thinking I must be the problem.

Today I’m learning to focus on the moment. I learned that I need to take care of myself first in order to truly understand how to best serve my family. How can I become a better mother, a better lover, a better friend? It’s all in the same way, by Becoming a better person. How to become a better person?

Start by calming down.

Breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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July 30, 2015 · 11:17 pm

Parenting: Still trying to figure it out.

Kids are finally asleep. I’m sitting here feeling overwhelmed, running the entire day back in my head wondering if I did this parenting thing right. Wondering what I could’ve done differently.images

Sometimes I think it was much easier when they were babies, sure I didn’t know what to do at times: What to do when they have a fever? How to soothe a colic? When to start baby food? But Google always had the answer.

Now I’m faced with much bigger challenges: What to do when my child misbehaves? How to properly discipline my child? When should I be a good cop and when should the bad?

I use to think that I was doing a good job parenting but the more they grow up and I see the fruit of my labor… I wonder.

Parenting is a constant guilt trip.  We get a little short tempered and feel bad right after. If I yell  at them during bed time I lie awake for hours afterwards shaking my head at myself thinking “I could’ve done better; I should’ve been more patient”.

Yes I feel overwhelmed at times, three little girls, with different characters, each with a different need every second. Sometimes I feel short of losing my mind. Now they’re interacting with each other, sometimes horribly clashing other times harmoniously bonding.

In this journey as a parent I’ve learned a few things. I’ve learned that I cannot make or break my child’s character and that alone helped relieve some pressure.

Another thing I’ve learned from my kids is forgiveness. Have you noticed that you could screw up real bad sometimes but they will always forgive you and accept your smiles and affection? They don’t hold grudges and know how to love unconditionally.

It is known that a parent loves their child more than the child loves the parent, but sometimes I think that the opposite might also be true. Not because we love them less than they love us, but because it seems like they simply know how to love better than us adults.

Perhaps we are all born with the capacity for unconditional love and then life happens…

They’re newer, closer to the way we were created. Life hasn’t taken too much of its toll on them yet. They still love by instinct.

Writing this right now makes me realize that I have no reason to worry for not being a perfect parent, for the children are smarter, purer, and more able than we think.  No need to feel guilty as long as you are aware of yourself and strive to be better.

Next time you think you made a mistake, perhaps lost patience, maybe even threw something or someone…

Just stop, look at them, tell them you’re sorry, hold them and see the unconditional love they have for you.

I feel better now.

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April 15, 2014 · 1:12 am

Love is happy and happy is free .

I don’t know if it’s the raging hormones , the exhaustion or maybe the lack of outings, but I’m just obsessed with my children. I don’t know if it’s the love they have for me or the amount of love that pours out of my heart for them that surprises me more. I never thought I could love so much or that I was worthy of this much love.
I’m with them all day, and the moment I’m away I’m looking at pictures and videos of them and missing them. I don’t know what nature does to us, but I know that when I became a mother my world changed, my perception shifted and I grew everyday into a different person. Sure this sounds mushy gushy but I just can’t help myself.
I’m fully aware that one of the most annoying things can be parents who don’t stop talking about their kids…
All is good in right doses.
I don’t know, sometimes I just get overwhelmed by the whole situation. Nobody is never fully prepared to become a parent, and society doesn’t help by omitting all the real details of it. The last week of my pregnancy with A1 I kept asking :” Are they really going to let us bring the baby home?”, ” Are they really going to leave us alone with the baby ?”. I had so much mental blockage and was so not ready for what was coming. My circumstances we’re kind of special but that’s another story for another time.
Tonight I’m just in love.
There’s nothing more to this life than potential happiness . Every minute we spend not being happy is a minute wasted. Gone forever.
Be happy, seek love.
Love is just a way towards happy .
Happy is free.
Doesn’t really matter if everybody doesn’t get you, doesn’t matter what car you drive, doesn’t matter that your boss is an a-hole.
All that matters is how you feel in this moment. And only you and your thoughts can control how you feel.
Start by being happy and all will fall into place.
Feeling so blessed. How can not want to have more children?
Perhaps I should wake Jack up…

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January 6, 2014 · 6:19 am

5:52 am my boyfriend got me pregnant.

5:52 am.
There was a time in my life when 5:52 am meant coming home after a night if partying.
5:52 am today is : I’ve only gotten a couple hours of sleep, just gave A2 fever medication and I’m up thinking about what the heck I’m going to make for them to eat tomorrow considering my fridge is empty. I’m going to have to pull out my Macgyver cooking skills and make full meals out of nothing.
5:59 am.
I remember rushing home to make it before 6 am because past 6 am was considered really bad. I remember swiftly unlocking the door so that I wouldn’t wake my parents. But they were up , every single time. Up and oh so mad. Thinking back, I didn’t even realize that I was worrying them, all I perceived was anger and all I cared about was how long they were going to yell at me for it and wether or not they would still be mad at me the next day.
Oh god, if I gave my parents so much to worry about Karma’s going to take good care of me with 3 daughters.
I would much rather be up at 6 am worrying about details knowing that my children are right here , instead of being up worrying about when they’re going to get home…
I’m suddenly happy with this Monday morning 6:08.
Dear Mom and dad sorry for all the worry I put you through.
Dear karma please go easy on me.
After all, It’s not like my boyfriend got me pregnant before marriage…

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January 5, 2014 · 10:11 pm

A Sticker.

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They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture represents my life perfectly. Three daughters who have taken over everything including the toilet, literally.
Even when we are using the toilet we’re sitting on a dozen of princess stickers. We try and scratch a few off while we’re there but there stuck on pretty hard. Lately we’re potty training A2 and I must say we’re doing pretty bad, making all the classic mistakes, confusing her with pull ups, yelling at her when she has accidents, switching back and forth from underwear to diapers according to where we’re going… We’re failing at this, but at least we’re aware of it….
So I was over at a friend’s house and I noticed they had put up a paper on the bathroom wall where they would stick a sticker every time their child used the potty, it’s a good idea I thought and started implementing the same method at home. Until A2 figured out the concept and would ask to sit on the toilet, do nothing, stick a sticker then go pee behind the couch.
You would think they would learn from seeing us go, I mean if you’ve managed to hold on to some privacy in your marriage then I congratulate you, but know that kids will take all of that away. Privacy? Ha! Forget it!
They watch me change, but the worst is the look on their faces if they happen to see me naked. Oh! And then the questions…
” why do you put hats on your breast?”
I try to avoid changing in front of them but sometimes it’s just inevitable. You have to keep an eye on them all the time, so if you see them, it probably means then can see you back.
There’s absolutely no privacy left in the bathroom, actually quite the opposite, when I have to go I place the high chair right in front of the bathroom door place the baby there and announce ” mommy’ going to the bathroom, I’m right there, nobody panic!”
The only time I make sure to close the door is when I have my period. I really don’t want to have to explain that yet!One day A1 walked over to my room holding a hygienic pad in her hand, she had opened it and said ” I know you stick this on your butt, tell me why.” She knew it was something I was keeping from her, I don’t even know how she figured out that I stuck it anywhere near my butt.
” I’ll tell you when you grow up” I said.
-” no tell me now”
So I lied. ” sometimes when mommies have babies water comes out of their tummies and they wear that so that their underwear doesn’t get wet”
What was I supposed to do?? Tell her the truth?? Ovulation, blood, reproduction??? She’s five and believes in Santa and the tooth fairy!
By the way, tooth fairy’s real. I’ve seen her.
So after my explanation she replied.
-” was that so hard? Did I really have to wait to grow up to hear that?”
I don’t even know what to think at this point, my daughter is five going on fifteen!
Today as I was in the bathroom, two year old A2 walked in, she looked at me and said ” You did pipi in the toilet? Good for you. You want a sticker?”
She then walked over to the drawer. There are no stickers in the drawer I thought, what is she doing? She pulled out a pad, confidently opened it and stuck it on the wall.
All I could think to say was ” thank you”.

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July 23, 2013 · 12:57 am

Construction week Vacation

We’re on vacation. Finally found a way to access the Internet . Technologically challenged remember..
I do have many many stories to tell, a lot can happen crammed into a van with three kids, heading to a wedding in New Jersey . The wedding? Oh ya it was great, the two out of three had a fever , my dress ripped down the middle and someone asked me when I was due!
All this said, I promised myself I wasn’t gona blog while I was on vacation. It’s good to disconnect once in a while. Will be back shortly.
Wishing all of you a great construction week .
Xoxo

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May 12, 2013 · 10:33 pm

A2 drank from the toilet. Cheers!

Kids are finally asleep. Jack’s watching the games… Seems like all my posts starts the same way.

So A2 drank toilet water today. We were at my inlaw’s house, when Jack caught her standing in front of the toilet bowl, sucking on a wet hand towel whose other end was still in the toilet. Yey!

He called for me. By the time I got there everyone was gathered in the bathroom. I asked A1 “You went to the bathroom last,please tell me you didn’t forget to flush!”. There was water everywhere and she was soaked. We started to clean up when we realized she had gotten away again. “There’s another bathroom on this floor!” Jack yelled out. We ran to the bedroom bathroom and found her there plotting her next drink.

I wish I was the one who caught her doing that. I would’ve probably left her and ran for my camera.

Oh ya, and no, A1 hadn’t forgotten to flush!  Good girl.

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May 7, 2013 · 2:21 pm

Straight from my heart, a Mother’s day special

You look at me and what do you see?

You see me. You don’t see the jogging suit I’m wearing, my hair that’s a mess, my eyebrows that need help, the dark circles around my eyes, my pot belly … you don’t see any of that. You just see mom.

You see right through me. You see my soul.

You look at me and you learn.

I love you. Ever since I realized you can see inside me, I work every day to be a better person.

You stare into my eyes and wait for me to smile. And when I do, it makes your day. I see how you’re focused on me, even when I sometimes seem to be distracted by the world around me. But still, you’re looking at me.

My every word, my every move, my every emotion sculpts you. I want for you to grow up to be strong, expressive, brave, independent, self-aware, considerate and kind. For that, I work on me, every moment of every single day.

You deserve a strong, calm, focused and driven me.

And I will be that.

You will not understand the extent of my love for you and that’s alright with me. You will one day, turn your back on me and follow a life of your own, and that’s alright with me. For you will be even stronger, more expressive, braver, more independent, more self- aware, more considerate and kinder than me, and that’s all I’ll ever need.

One day, you might have children of your own, and only then will you understand how much I love you.

Mom, I love you. Thank you for who you have become for me. Today, I understand.

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