Monthly Archives: September 2013

You are in control of your reaction. Make it positive .

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Will be guest hosting the Uncle Mike show tonight at 9 pm live. Tune in www.theunclemikeshow.com

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John, the other man in my life.

Parents know that having children totally changes your reality. Once you become a mommy you realize that there are so many things you took for granted before you had a baby.

It’s an extensive list:  A stretch mark free body, a car seat free car, the ability to pee in a public bathroom… ladies room

Whaaa?

Nobody wants to sit on a public bathroom toilet, so we sort of do what we got to do without touching anything…until you have children, that is. This incapacity creeps up on you progressively. When you’re first pregnant everything is fine, the heavier you get the harder it becomes to hover over that toilet.

Jack keeps suggesting I use another word for toilet. Let’s go with John, the other man in my life.

By the time you’re 6 months pregnant your legs can’t handle that kind of strain and you end up forced to sit. Once you do, it’s over.

It’ll come back after I have the baby, we think.

Nope…it didn’t.

When you lose this ability you develop a new way of thinking when it comes to your bladder needs. All of a sudden you start thinking “If the bathrooms are decent here, then I should go now because I don’t know where I’ll be next”

It’s  the night of my 30th birthday and we’re out on the town. I take all the precautions necessary, but one thing leads to another,  I have a few drinks in my system and now it’s 2 am and I’ve ended  up in a dirty club bathroom looking down a very filthy John with an almost bursting bladder. There was no way I could touch that thing! What was I to do?!

I suddenly remember a move we’ve been practicing in the Baby-Mommy Yoga Class. The chair position, it looks like you’re sitting on an imaginary chair, just the move I need right now!

I look myself in the mirror; slap myself a couple of times, give myself a little pep talk, order my chakras to align, do a couple of sun salutations and go for it…

All I can say is….

Thank you Baby-Mommy Yoga for you have saved my 30th birthday.

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Male readers are googling “potpourri”

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Futile vs Futile: A toilet story

Kids were put to bed a few minutes ago and I’m sitting in my bed.

I can hear my on heart beating and my breath weighing heavier and heavier. Sheer exhaustion.

I’m at a point where I could sleep anywhere anytime if you gave me the reassurance that the kids are taken care of. Actually, I take that back.

Any reassurance is never enough unless we’re the ones tending to them isn’t it?

Never a moment of peace…I’m not complaining, I’m just describing.

I’m too tired for structure so I’m just going randomly jump from one topic to the next (as usual)…I’m the shame of the blogging community…I know.

But seriously, who else shamelessly tells you what happens to them on the toilet…

Isn’t it the worst thing when you have to go and you’re not home ? I mean go…#2. I know someone who can’t do it unless they’re home. They’ll drive home no matter what! I find that to be risky business. You should avoid long stretches of road, speed bumps and potholes in that state…

Driving home is a little over the top, but trying to be discreet about it isn’t. There are various tactics used to maximise discretion. You can try to pick the furthest bathroom without going too far. If you go too far you’re going to raise suspicions. Once you’re in there you should assess the 4th sense situation. No one’s seeing dead people… I’m talking about smell.

Girls’ smell like potpourri and/or roses of course.

You try and locate a window, maybe find some air freshener. Actually, I don’t recommend the air freshener per se because then you’re somewhat giving yourself away. If you walk into a bathroom and it smells like freshly sprayed air freshener, then you know the previous user definitely has a secret. The window is your best bet unless it’s facing people.

Why would a bathroom window be facing anywhere where there could be people? Don’t they think of these things when they build homes?

I’ve been seen on the toilet by a fireman.

Whaaa?

No he didn’t break the door open and save me from wild flames while I was on the John . Though that would’ve been bitter sweet… Actually the big wide open bathroom window was facing the neighbour’s roof, which happened to be on fire. You get the drift…

So all this to say, that if you have children, all these discretion tactics are completely futile.

Futile! You see Jack? I’m using the word in the right context this time. One time Jack caught me misusing the word “futile”. I use to think that the word futile was meant to describe a bad smell. Like, “Ouf! That was futile!” What’s ironic is that this word only came up in this post that is turning to be mostly about bad smells.

Why would I tell the world that I didn’t know the meaning of a simple word like futile?

Don’t you know me by now?

If you judge me, that makes you a person who judges.

What were we saying? Oh ya, fuuuuutile.

So you assess the situation, discreetly head for the bathroom, locate the window, make sure there’s nothing on fire, do your deed and try to make it quick.

When suddenly… you hear your child.

– “Where’s my mom?”

I swear these kids have a talent for extreme accuracy in worst timing.

– “Where’s my mom? Does anyone know where my mom is?”

At this point everyone’s actively thinking about your whereabouts.

You’re child gets worried and frantically starts looking for you. Yelling “MOM!!!???!” in every room.

Jeez! What am I supposed to do right now? Yell back from the toilet?

I’m just going to hope she’ll forget about me.

Ya right.

People start suggesting locations and then someone gets it. “Maybe she’s in the bathroom.”

Thank you kind Samaritan.

Your child quickly locates the bathroom and starts pounding on the door.

Yelling “MOM ARE YOU IN THERE?!!”

You try to hold back your real emotions and answer with the softest voice. “Yes honey…”

It all stops.

Finally.

Is she gone?

– “OPEN THE DOOR!”…

– “I’m not going to open the door, mommy will be out in a minute, now go play”

– “No! Open the door!”

What was I thinking saying “go play”? That never ever works, why would it work now when I really need it to. THINK!

Ok I got it.

-“How about you go hide and I’m going to come find you when I get out”

– “OK!”

And she runs off.

You know everyone heard you and therefor know that you’re in the bathroom. The situation can still be saved. If you come out within a reasonable time from this incident you can still stay below the radar.

BOOM BOOM BOOM

She’s back! Pounding on the door!

– “MOM?”

Why yell so much? I’m on the other side of the door not on the end of an overseas call from the 70’s!

– “WHAT?!”

– “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Oh gosh…no please.

– “MOM? ARE YOU MAKING A POOP?”

What can you do at this point? Answer? You better, because if you don’t they’re just going to keep repeating the question louder every time.

– “Yes honey, now go hide.”

I hear her footsteps getting further and further.

That was interesting. Glad it’s over. Could’ve been worse I guess.

“It’s a normal thing, not a big deal” I’m thinking, trying any consolation I can have.

Until I hear her voice in the distance.

– “EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! I FOUND MY MOM, SHE’S MAKING A POOP IN THAT BATHROOM.”

funny-bathroom-break-kid-baby-hand-door-find-you-pics

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Stop pretending and own up to those granny panties!

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You only need to poke a bubble once for it to pop.

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Share moments, not thoughts.

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