Tag Archives: child

Futile vs Futile: A toilet story

Kids were put to bed a few minutes ago and I’m sitting in my bed.

I can hear my on heart beating and my breath weighing heavier and heavier. Sheer exhaustion.

I’m at a point where I could sleep anywhere anytime if you gave me the reassurance that the kids are taken care of. Actually, I take that back.

Any reassurance is never enough unless we’re the ones tending to them isn’t it?

Never a moment of peace…I’m not complaining, I’m just describing.

I’m too tired for structure so I’m just going randomly jump from one topic to the next (as usual)…I’m the shame of the blogging community…I know.

But seriously, who else shamelessly tells you what happens to them on the toilet…

Isn’t it the worst thing when you have to go and you’re not home ? I mean go…#2. I know someone who can’t do it unless they’re home. They’ll drive home no matter what! I find that to be risky business. You should avoid long stretches of road, speed bumps and potholes in that state…

Driving home is a little over the top, but trying to be discreet about it isn’t. There are various tactics used to maximise discretion. You can try to pick the furthest bathroom without going too far. If you go too far you’re going to raise suspicions. Once you’re in there you should assess the 4th sense situation. No one’s seeing dead people… I’m talking about smell.

Girls’ smell like potpourri and/or roses of course.

You try and locate a window, maybe find some air freshener. Actually, I don’t recommend the air freshener per se because then you’re somewhat giving yourself away. If you walk into a bathroom and it smells like freshly sprayed air freshener, then you know the previous user definitely has a secret. The window is your best bet unless it’s facing people.

Why would a bathroom window be facing anywhere where there could be people? Don’t they think of these things when they build homes?

I’ve been seen on the toilet by a fireman.

Whaaa?

No he didn’t break the door open and save me from wild flames while I was on the John . Though that would’ve been bitter sweet… Actually the big wide open bathroom window was facing the neighbour’s roof, which happened to be on fire. You get the drift…

So all this to say, that if you have children, all these discretion tactics are completely futile.

Futile! You see Jack? I’m using the word in the right context this time. One time Jack caught me misusing the word “futile”. I use to think that the word futile was meant to describe a bad smell. Like, “Ouf! That was futile!” What’s ironic is that this word only came up in this post that is turning to be mostly about bad smells.

Why would I tell the world that I didn’t know the meaning of a simple word like futile?

Don’t you know me by now?

If you judge me, that makes you a person who judges.

What were we saying? Oh ya, fuuuuutile.

So you assess the situation, discreetly head for the bathroom, locate the window, make sure there’s nothing on fire, do your deed and try to make it quick.

When suddenly… you hear your child.

– “Where’s my mom?”

I swear these kids have a talent for extreme accuracy in worst timing.

– “Where’s my mom? Does anyone know where my mom is?”

At this point everyone’s actively thinking about your whereabouts.

You’re child gets worried and frantically starts looking for you. Yelling “MOM!!!???!” in every room.

Jeez! What am I supposed to do right now? Yell back from the toilet?

I’m just going to hope she’ll forget about me.

Ya right.

People start suggesting locations and then someone gets it. “Maybe she’s in the bathroom.”

Thank you kind Samaritan.

Your child quickly locates the bathroom and starts pounding on the door.

Yelling “MOM ARE YOU IN THERE?!!”

You try to hold back your real emotions and answer with the softest voice. “Yes honey…”

It all stops.

Finally.

Is she gone?

– “OPEN THE DOOR!”…

– “I’m not going to open the door, mommy will be out in a minute, now go play”

– “No! Open the door!”

What was I thinking saying “go play”? That never ever works, why would it work now when I really need it to. THINK!

Ok I got it.

-“How about you go hide and I’m going to come find you when I get out”

– “OK!”

And she runs off.

You know everyone heard you and therefor know that you’re in the bathroom. The situation can still be saved. If you come out within a reasonable time from this incident you can still stay below the radar.

BOOM BOOM BOOM

She’s back! Pounding on the door!

– “MOM?”

Why yell so much? I’m on the other side of the door not on the end of an overseas call from the 70’s!

– “WHAT?!”

– “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Oh gosh…no please.

– “MOM? ARE YOU MAKING A POOP?”

What can you do at this point? Answer? You better, because if you don’t they’re just going to keep repeating the question louder every time.

– “Yes honey, now go hide.”

I hear her footsteps getting further and further.

That was interesting. Glad it’s over. Could’ve been worse I guess.

“It’s a normal thing, not a big deal” I’m thinking, trying any consolation I can have.

Until I hear her voice in the distance.

– “EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! I FOUND MY MOM, SHE’S MAKING A POOP IN THAT BATHROOM.”

funny-bathroom-break-kid-baby-hand-door-find-you-pics

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Bed time: A mind war

It’s almost 9:30 pm. 23 month old A2 is standing up wailing in her crib. 5 year old A1 who shares the bedroom is narrating what’s happening and A3 just woke up by the chaos.

Beautiful.

It’s these moments that keep me in peace.

A2 just tossed her blanket and pacifier out of her crib again. I tried explaining to her that if she tosses them again, she won’t get them back… but we both know that she won’t sleep without them. So this is another mind game.

She threw them out, again, and she’s still crying. I tried taking them for a while. She cried… I held on to them for a few minutes then gave them back. That will work, I hoped.

Well it didn’t. She tossed them out within the same second and is still crying.

I went back to my chair without picking them up. And here I am. I’ve written about the chair before. I have a chair set up outside their bedroom, where I sit until they fall asleep. It’s been a while though. They’ve been good lately and didn’t require me to sit here until they fell asleep. But A2’s getting close to the crazy two’s and so I’m back here again.

It’s been a few minutes, I’m wondering if I should get up and hand her the pacifier and blanket just yet. Her cries are sounding more and more tiresome, with yawning intervals.

I got up and handed them to her, came back to my seat. I talked to her…I shouldn’t have talked to her.

She just threw them out again!

She wins this round, again.

Why don’t I just yell at her?

Because then I would teach her that yelling is a mean of communication that I use.

Because then she will fall asleep with fear having been her last emotion of the day.

Because then I would have put my child to bed in anger.

I’m hoping there’s a better solution.

I’ll figure it out…eventually.

This isn’t working.

A1 just suggested “call dad.”

Ya, call Jack and have him do the dirty work…

Ok one more try…

I tried the utter most tenderness. I went in, didn’t say a word picked her up, held her tight, kissed her, cleaned her face from tears, leaned down with her, she reached for her blanket and pacifier. I stood up, still not saying a word, I pointed to my cheek, she reached in and gave me a kiss. Then I pointed to her crib, placed her in. Sung her a lullaby and walked out.

Went back to my chair.

By the time my butt touched the seat …

She was already up and bawling again.

That was a complete fail.

Jack just came up. He gave it a go…

He tried tenderness, some discipline, yelled a little, played a little, danced a little…

Still a no go.

He leaves.

We should make them pay for tickets at this point, because we’ve become a show!

Ok I’m desperate; it’s been over 40 minutes. I know she’s tired.

I take out my phone and go online. Search for an Armenian Lullaby. I play it and go back to my seat.

She stopped.

This song is really beautiful.

She’s sleeping.

Unbelievable!

The power of music…

They’re sleeping in peace, no one got mad at another, no anger, no fear, no guilt.

Just love and music.

Ah… now that this is done, I should start with my chores… I’ll rest when I’m old.

Goodnight.

P.S Listen to this song, it will make any man, woman or child give in to slumber.

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The hare and the Anniversary Special

Hare: n. Any of various mammals of the family Leporidae, especially of the genus Lepus, similar to rabbits but having longer ears and legs and giving birth to active, furred young. (thefreedictionnary.com)

Dishes, laundry and bathing three kids leaves mommy in a cold shower by the end of the evening. No more hot water.

Right before that, A1 asked to be read a story before bed. So I started:

“ I’m gonna tell you the story of the turtle and the, the hmmm… how do we say “lièvre” in english.”

A1: What’s that mommy?

Me : It’s a wild rabbit that runs fast.

A1: Oh! A kangaroo?

Me : No. Let’s ask daddy. DAAADDDYYY

Jack answers from across the hall “What!”

Me: How do you say “Lièvre” in English?

Jack: I dunno. Coyote ?

Btw as I wrote  this Jack came up behind me and said.egg

“Don’t post this; people are going think I’m stupid… You’re still going to post it aren’t you? Your blog is nothing without me!”

And he’s right the blog is about my life and he’s a big part of it. Since we’re talking about Jack, might as well continue.

In our house weekends are so chaotic that we rarely have time to eat, so I always prepare a bowl of hard-boiled eggs so we can at least have a quick dose of protein in a snack. Jack has made it a habit to crack the egg on his head. Yes you read right. He takes the boiled egg and he smashes it on his head. It’s partly to make the children laugh but he does it even when they’re not around.

So Saturday, on our anniversary, I decided to put one non-boiled egg in that bowl.

I think you can imagine the rest…

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A new day, a new post?

Blogging every night will be hard. Some nights I pass out right after the last kid is in bed, other nights I pass out in the last kid’s bed. Children ask you to stay with them a while before they fall asleep. Yes, we do enjoy spending that time with them, scratching their backs and answering their multiple questions. But let’s be honest, sometimes we just need them to sleep already.

See, when you have three kids it’s a little different; your child asking you to lie down next to them until they fall asleep gives you a valid reason to leave your spouse alone with the other two.  If the opportunity to sleep on duty presents itself you do not let it pass. Plus it’s the perfect scenario. You can stay as long as you like, no one will know. Zzzzzzz

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