Tag Archives: Story

Futile vs Futile: A toilet story

Kids were put to bed a few minutes ago and I’m sitting in my bed.

I can hear my on heart beating and my breath weighing heavier and heavier. Sheer exhaustion.

I’m at a point where I could sleep anywhere anytime if you gave me the reassurance that the kids are taken care of. Actually, I take that back.

Any reassurance is never enough unless we’re the ones tending to them isn’t it?

Never a moment of peace…I’m not complaining, I’m just describing.

I’m too tired for structure so I’m just going randomly jump from one topic to the next (as usual)…I’m the shame of the blogging community…I know.

But seriously, who else shamelessly tells you what happens to them on the toilet…

Isn’t it the worst thing when you have to go and you’re not home ? I mean go…#2. I know someone who can’t do it unless they’re home. They’ll drive home no matter what! I find that to be risky business. You should avoid long stretches of road, speed bumps and potholes in that state…

Driving home is a little over the top, but trying to be discreet about it isn’t. There are various tactics used to maximise discretion. You can try to pick the furthest bathroom without going too far. If you go too far you’re going to raise suspicions. Once you’re in there you should assess the 4th sense situation. No one’s seeing dead people… I’m talking about smell.

Girls’ smell like potpourri and/or roses of course.

You try and locate a window, maybe find some air freshener. Actually, I don’t recommend the air freshener per se because then you’re somewhat giving yourself away. If you walk into a bathroom and it smells like freshly sprayed air freshener, then you know the previous user definitely has a secret. The window is your best bet unless it’s facing people.

Why would a bathroom window be facing anywhere where there could be people? Don’t they think of these things when they build homes?

I’ve been seen on the toilet by a fireman.

Whaaa?

No he didn’t break the door open and save me from wild flames while I was on the John . Though that would’ve been bitter sweet… Actually the big wide open bathroom window was facing the neighbour’s roof, which happened to be on fire. You get the drift…

So all this to say, that if you have children, all these discretion tactics are completely futile.

Futile! You see Jack? I’m using the word in the right context this time. One time Jack caught me misusing the word “futile”. I use to think that the word futile was meant to describe a bad smell. Like, “Ouf! That was futile!” What’s ironic is that this word only came up in this post that is turning to be mostly about bad smells.

Why would I tell the world that I didn’t know the meaning of a simple word like futile?

Don’t you know me by now?

If you judge me, that makes you a person who judges.

What were we saying? Oh ya, fuuuuutile.

So you assess the situation, discreetly head for the bathroom, locate the window, make sure there’s nothing on fire, do your deed and try to make it quick.

When suddenly… you hear your child.

– “Where’s my mom?”

I swear these kids have a talent for extreme accuracy in worst timing.

– “Where’s my mom? Does anyone know where my mom is?”

At this point everyone’s actively thinking about your whereabouts.

You’re child gets worried and frantically starts looking for you. Yelling “MOM!!!???!” in every room.

Jeez! What am I supposed to do right now? Yell back from the toilet?

I’m just going to hope she’ll forget about me.

Ya right.

People start suggesting locations and then someone gets it. “Maybe she’s in the bathroom.”

Thank you kind Samaritan.

Your child quickly locates the bathroom and starts pounding on the door.

Yelling “MOM ARE YOU IN THERE?!!”

You try to hold back your real emotions and answer with the softest voice. “Yes honey…”

It all stops.

Finally.

Is she gone?

– “OPEN THE DOOR!”…

– “I’m not going to open the door, mommy will be out in a minute, now go play”

– “No! Open the door!”

What was I thinking saying “go play”? That never ever works, why would it work now when I really need it to. THINK!

Ok I got it.

-“How about you go hide and I’m going to come find you when I get out”

– “OK!”

And she runs off.

You know everyone heard you and therefor know that you’re in the bathroom. The situation can still be saved. If you come out within a reasonable time from this incident you can still stay below the radar.

BOOM BOOM BOOM

She’s back! Pounding on the door!

– “MOM?”

Why yell so much? I’m on the other side of the door not on the end of an overseas call from the 70’s!

– “WHAT?!”

– “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Oh gosh…no please.

– “MOM? ARE YOU MAKING A POOP?”

What can you do at this point? Answer? You better, because if you don’t they’re just going to keep repeating the question louder every time.

– “Yes honey, now go hide.”

I hear her footsteps getting further and further.

That was interesting. Glad it’s over. Could’ve been worse I guess.

“It’s a normal thing, not a big deal” I’m thinking, trying any consolation I can have.

Until I hear her voice in the distance.

– “EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! I FOUND MY MOM, SHE’S MAKING A POOP IN THAT BATHROOM.”

funny-bathroom-break-kid-baby-hand-door-find-you-pics

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Not Clean Per Se, Not Dirty Per Se

It’s past midnight. Everyone’s asleep…but me, of course. Why am I not sleeping? Because I’m on duty. Any minute now A3 is going to wake up and my free time is going to be over. What do I do with my time? BLOG

But not these past two weeks. Whenever I’ve had free time, I’ve been working on organizing a Fundraiser. Since I don’t have much free time, I haven’t had any time to blog. Don’t feel bad. Today I picked blogging over showering!

Actually, I take that back. I couldn’t have showered. (Could not have. I want to say couldn’t’ve…how to I write that? ) Basically, showering is not even a possibility right now, remember, A3 could wake up at any time. I can even hear her a bit.

I don’t like to use monitors; I like to hear what’s happening in the house. I like to be able to stop typing for a second and listen in. Stop.

Right now I hear A3’s breath, her respiration frequency is changing, she’s breathing faster. It means she’s waking up. I can hear Jack snoring and the rest are quiet, that’s a good sign. I can hear A3’s breath not because I’m super human, but because she’s 6 meters away. She’s in the den and I’m the living room.

Now someone who can imagine measurements might be thinking: What kind of den is only 6 meters away from a living room??

Well. The thing is. Our house doesn’t even have a den. It has a kitchen, a dining room and a living room. No Den. But I made one. I can’t even hit a nail in the wall but I turned the dining room into a family den.

Want to know how?  I put a couch and a TV in the “dining room”. Then, furnished half  the “living room”, as a dining room and the other half, as “clean” living room .

Not clean per se, but definitely cleaner then the Den.  You should see it….actually, you shouldn’t see it! Plastic on the furniture? Yeah, at this point, I should, to protect the people sitting on them.

They’re not dirty per se, it’s just that they’ve been through a lot. They’ve had three kids! Three kids dropping their water, their milk… try cleaning milk off a couch. Ok, you clean the couch’s surface. Then what? That milk has made it into the fibers of the couch , embedded like…you know what I’m thinking.

A1’s poop on A’3 onesie!  (Guys! Another inside joke!!  That’s the  second time this week!)

If Jack read this he would think I’m a total geek. I can already hear him in my head  “What inside joke?! You can’t have an inside joke with yourself!”  Lol (By the way, when I write “lol” it really means that I laughed out loud, like HaHaHa. More like Mhi,Mhi,Mhi. if I went HaHaHa A3 would wake up.)

The only person on a monitor right now is A2. To the readers who don’t know baby talk, a baby monitor is … I don’t know how to explain it.

So I googled the definition for “baby monitor” and guess what. It doesn’t exist!! Try it.

How would you explain to someone what a baby monitor is?

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The hare and the Anniversary Special

Hare: n. Any of various mammals of the family Leporidae, especially of the genus Lepus, similar to rabbits but having longer ears and legs and giving birth to active, furred young. (thefreedictionnary.com)

Dishes, laundry and bathing three kids leaves mommy in a cold shower by the end of the evening. No more hot water.

Right before that, A1 asked to be read a story before bed. So I started:

“ I’m gonna tell you the story of the turtle and the, the hmmm… how do we say “lièvre” in english.”

A1: What’s that mommy?

Me : It’s a wild rabbit that runs fast.

A1: Oh! A kangaroo?

Me : No. Let’s ask daddy. DAAADDDYYY

Jack answers from across the hall “What!”

Me: How do you say “Lièvre” in English?

Jack: I dunno. Coyote ?

Btw as I wrote  this Jack came up behind me and said.egg

“Don’t post this; people are going think I’m stupid… You’re still going to post it aren’t you? Your blog is nothing without me!”

And he’s right the blog is about my life and he’s a big part of it. Since we’re talking about Jack, might as well continue.

In our house weekends are so chaotic that we rarely have time to eat, so I always prepare a bowl of hard-boiled eggs so we can at least have a quick dose of protein in a snack. Jack has made it a habit to crack the egg on his head. Yes you read right. He takes the boiled egg and he smashes it on his head. It’s partly to make the children laugh but he does it even when they’re not around.

So Saturday, on our anniversary, I decided to put one non-boiled egg in that bowl.

I think you can imagine the rest…

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