That last post came up Saturday night but was written Friday night right before I fell asleep at the keyboard. The last sentence gave me such a feel of relief that I almost immediately fell asleep.
“Or maybe this is the moment when I realize I should live more for myself.”
That was it.
Live more for myself. Basically have a little more self-love and have the courage and energy to do the things I want to do and not only the things I have to do.
Is that a bad thing? I wonder if Jesus is ok with self-love and how I would know if I’ve crossed the line from self-love to selfishness?
Ok I’m googling Jesus and Self-love.
Ok so Jesus said:
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:31
Wow now I’m a little more confused. Love my neighbor as myself? What if the problem is that I seem to love the neighbor more than myself? Should I love the neighbor less? That doesn’t make any sense. So what does Mark 12:31 even mean? Does it mean that Mark says that Jesus said that? So this is what Jesus said according to Mark’s memory? How long after hearing Jesus speak did Mark write this down? Was it during, immediately after or long after? Is this exactly what he said or it this how Mark understood it? Come to think of it I’ve never seen ink or paper in any of the depictions of the time. If I’m going to consider this as a reference point in my life path then I need to ask the right questions and make sure it’s legit. No?
Who is Mark anyway ? Is he even one of the apostles?
Bah, I’m overthinking again.
In conclusion to last night’s post, what I need to keep remembering here is that a wall is built brick by brick. I can’t expect to see a wall before I’ve even started to build it. I shouldn’t be afraid to put a brick down and start even if I haven’t figured it all out.
And about that whole self-love thing I guess more love is never the wrong way. So more love for me and my neighbor!
Sometimes I really tend to overthink things. I expect myself to have figured out every element of a process that I want to overtake before I start it. Unless I know specifically what the upcoming challenges are and exactly how to overcome them I arm filled in fear and most times even give up on the task or objective at hand.
I am telling myself is that I should chill out a bit.
I was never like this when it came to my schoolwork and I am certainly not giving up on any difficult tasks at work. So why is it that when it comes to my personal objectives I really seem to be throwing in the towel pretty quickly?
Hold on I’ve got to go pull the basement door shut. Jack’s downstairs watching the finale of Oz with his buddies and it’s sounding pretty intense from up here. I hear the yelling of a man that sounds like he’s getting badly tortured. It’s getting louder and louder, I hope the kids don’t get woken. Oh sounds like the torture just intensified a notch, I’m afraid the kids are going to think it is Jack that is yelling!
Ok door is shut now.
Where was I. Oh yes so basically I was in the middle of realizing that I don’t discipline myself when it comes to succeeding in my own personal goals but when it comes to work or when it’s for somebody else I give it my all.
Why do I do that?
Am I overthinking again? Probably.
Or maybe this is the moment I realize I should live more for myself…
It’s almost midnight and I just finished packing the kids’ lunches.
Surely every mother feels the same. They exhaust the hell out of me, I’ll admit that at times I might even count down the hours and minutes until bed time and yet once they’re finally down I watch them sleep and think to myself “ I don’t want them to grow up”.
I remember rocking a few months old A3 a few years ago. She had been crying and I had been rocking her for hours until she finally fell asleep. I just wanted to put her down already. I remember thinking to myself that in the midst of that chaotic day I hadn’t even taken the time to really just look at her. I consoled myself and thought “it’s ok; she’ll still look the same tomorrow”.
Today is five years later and the memory of that precise moment when I thought to myslef that she wouldn’t change and how I could always look at her tomorrow is crystal clear in my mind yet the memory of what she actually looked like has completely faded away.
I guess we really do have to make the most of each day.
Jack just came into the room. He’s looking at me funny. Ok now he’s blowing kisses my way.
Well today is not over just yet and since I want to make the most of today perhaps I should cut this post short and go be with him.
Jack : “When are you going to be done with your post?”