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Overwhelmed Mama

Monday July 25,2016

There was a time in my life when I thought I knew a lot. Then I discovered how wrong I was.

It’s a mid-summer Monday afternoon and I’ve put all A’s down for naps. Well, I use to put them down for naps, now I order them to go to bed, they don’t listen, I yell a bit, then I use my low finger pointing scary voice while holding my jaw shut very tight so I sound really angry… I have to scare them a little.

And I tell them “If I come back and I see one head lifted from the pillow I’m really going to get mad!”. And leave and go downstairs. At this point I know I have 14 minutes tops before they start sneaking out of bed. What’s the first thing I should do?! Laudry YES! A1 just came back from 5 day scout camp, there is a hockey bag in my living room, filled with dirty, I mean real dirty stuff. Or maybe write a post on my blog ?

As you can see I went for the post. And actually 14 minutes have long passed and I’m cutting mr.Freeze bags for A2 and A3 in the living room…

And A3 is ordering a “Bay-Daid” for her pretend bobo.

I keep thinking I have to end this post but they always seem to always calm back down. Now A2 is teaching A3 a song. At this point I have cookies and mr.freeze on the living room couches and I’m just trying not to lose my cool.

IMG_1003 I’m trying to stay calm to actually enjoy the their stillness. Sure they’re making a mess but at least they are quiet. If I start talking loud and waving my hands around they’re gona get nervous and I’m going to have to deal with cries and tantrums. Sometimes I feel the more invisible I am the calmer they are. Grand-parents and teachers speak of their great behavior yet with me… they are a whole other thing. I’m thinking I must be the problem.

Today I’m learning to focus on the moment. I learned that I need to take care of myself first in order to truly understand how to best serve my family. How can I become a better mother, a better lover, a better friend? It’s all in the same way, by Becoming a better person. How to become a better person?

Start by calming down.

Breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Just a little Monday night chatter.

It’s 10:15 pm . Kids are in bed and Jack is watching the game. You might be thinking : but the Habs aren’t playing tonight . it’s the Stanley cup finals and Jack’s watching all of the games . I’m sitting on the couch next to him tapping away on my phone writing this post. The kitchen is a mess , I just finished making Jacks supper, the sink is full, the counters are loaded but I am done, finished, kaput, dead tired. Today was non stop. From the am daycare and school drop offs, to work and pickups we (I) had the bright idea of taking all three kids to Cosco after school today. We filled two carts to the top and spent a fortune, by the end of it all I had A2 literally hanging from my neck, A3 throwing everything out of the Cart and poor A1 just trying to do damage control. At some point I lost jack then found him waiting at cash number 14 , I obviously cut in line to join him. Except my cart was full and I got many bad looks. I then took A3 out of the cart seat to entertain the people who we’re waiting behind us, she waddled around, waved hello to everyone and when I felt that the mad looks had softened up I gathered the kids, left jack there with two full carts and sat the kids down for ice cream.
” who you texting ” jack’s asking right now.
You think he would learn by now.
He’s yelling at me for something now, I’m not to sure what it’s about. A check I was supposed to deposit or something… I have three kids with me most of the time,can you imagine stopping at the bank to deposit a check? I rather live without that money and not have to take them all out only to lose 10 minutes negotiating for them to get back Into their car seats when we’re done. “I’m going to count to three and if you’re not in your seats leaving you here” obviously that doesn’t even phase them. I’ve also taught my husband not to expect me to fill up gas. There’s no way I’m doing that, hell breaks lose if I step out of the car long enough for them to start pinching each other. Heck they don’t even need me out to do that, the moment I take a phone call while in the car they know I’m not focused on them and it starts .
“Mom! My sister’s imitating me”
“Imitate her back!” I say! Then I get back to my business call.
You know I could go on forever, but Jack needs a little TLC. For once that I’m not knocked out..
Of you catch typos, try to read through them, I’ll correct them tomorrow .
Goodnight.

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Love is happy and happy is free .

I don’t know if it’s the raging hormones , the exhaustion or maybe the lack of outings, but I’m just obsessed with my children. I don’t know if it’s the love they have for me or the amount of love that pours out of my heart for them that surprises me more. I never thought I could love so much or that I was worthy of this much love.
I’m with them all day, and the moment I’m away I’m looking at pictures and videos of them and missing them. I don’t know what nature does to us, but I know that when I became a mother my world changed, my perception shifted and I grew everyday into a different person. Sure this sounds mushy gushy but I just can’t help myself.
I’m fully aware that one of the most annoying things can be parents who don’t stop talking about their kids…
All is good in right doses.
I don’t know, sometimes I just get overwhelmed by the whole situation. Nobody is never fully prepared to become a parent, and society doesn’t help by omitting all the real details of it. The last week of my pregnancy with A1 I kept asking :” Are they really going to let us bring the baby home?”, ” Are they really going to leave us alone with the baby ?”. I had so much mental blockage and was so not ready for what was coming. My circumstances we’re kind of special but that’s another story for another time.
Tonight I’m just in love.
There’s nothing more to this life than potential happiness . Every minute we spend not being happy is a minute wasted. Gone forever.
Be happy, seek love.
Love is just a way towards happy .
Happy is free.
Doesn’t really matter if everybody doesn’t get you, doesn’t matter what car you drive, doesn’t matter that your boss is an a-hole.
All that matters is how you feel in this moment. And only you and your thoughts can control how you feel.
Start by being happy and all will fall into place.
Feeling so blessed. How can not want to have more children?
Perhaps I should wake Jack up…

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Working Mom or Stay at Home Mom: which one is harder?

How dare I compare?
Stay at home mom or working mom? Which one is harder? Well I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 3 years and now I’m back at work. So I’ll reflect on my own experience and state: Are you kidding me??! I would drop this working mom business and go back to being a stay at home mom in a blink of an eye… If I could.
Sure taking care of a household and kids is a full time job, but working full time and taking care of a household and kids is TWO full time jobs!
I’m popping vitamins and chugging caffein just to stay ahead of the game. You should’ve seen me with the laundry today, looked like I was on speed. Folded 7 laundry baskets of little girl clothes, sorted, separated, matched and set. My eyes are hurting from all the pink!
Ever since I’ve been back to work my world has been a spinning disaster . Maybe I’m the problem but unless your job is a full time mattress tester there’s no debate.
It would be an honour to be home and serve my family by being available for them.
I wish I could be both. A working stay at home mom.
I’m sure I’m stirring up trouble ….
What do you think?

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A mother of three, now back at work.

A mother of three, now back at work.

After two years of maternity leave, I am back at work and so far it is a complete disaster. Kids keep me up all night and by the time quiet sets in my alarm clock kicks in to remind me that it’s another day of go go go! Exhaustion and lack of sleep have turned my little brain into mush, and it’s starting to show in my work and everywhere else for that matter.

I drove my daughter to school the other day, we were late so I had to sign her in.

Name: A1

Reason of late arrival: Her baby sisters kept us up all night.

Date:

I paused for a while.

“Excuse me” I asked the secretary, “What date are we?”.

“The 4th” she replied.

So I wrote 4, and then stopped. I thought really hard before I said:

“Excuse me. What month are we?”

She looked at me for a while before she replied: “February!”

So I wrote 02, and then I stopped. And now the year; I wiggled the pen around to buy some thinking time. I just went blank. You know when you wake up from your sleep and you experience a short time of complete blank, when you don’t know if it’s day or night and where you’re going or where you’re coming from, just complete nothingness…I was there, except it was in the middle of the day and I wasn’t in bed. I just stood there, until the secretary worriedly said “2014?!”

Oh yes. I forgot.

Just this week, I sent 3 e-mails to colleagues, then got the “You forgot the attachment” reply. I showed up to a meeting on Monday, just to be told the meeting was Thursday and I got 2 parking tickets this week for not having my parking pass. It didn’t help that we keep switching cars for car seat baby drop off reasons, and my little post-it saying “Sorry,I forgot my pass today” stuck on my windshield didn’t do much for me.

I’m completely lost all the time, between work, dr’s appointments, school projects and due bills, I’m ready for an assistant.This is my reality now, many moms are doing this, we work all day, then pick up the kids and start a second shift, feed them, play with them, bath them, put them to bed…

I usually pass out fully clothed, bra, socks, makeup. I wake up hours later, get up, change, wash my face and go back to bed, only to start all over again a few hours later. I still need some getting used to, but all I can say is, if I thought the house was a mess before, well now it looks like a hurricane went through! Sink is beyond full, school bags and toys everywhere, laundry basket invasion. But I’m not stressing over them. I’ll get to it when I can.  If you’re in this situation, know that you’re not alone. Just take it day by day, moment by moment, don’t look back and don’t look forward, just now. Simply be, and take the time to play and laugh.

Ok enough blogging for tonight, for once that I’m not knocked out I should go give Jack some attention.

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Part 1: Saturday Night Special

He watches the hockey game while I watch the baby monitor. I’m watching the Saturday night special, a crying baby that refuses to sleep. Oh wait a minute, that can’t be the Saturday night special because this happens every night!
I’m writing this post on my phone and Jack just asked :”who are you writing to for this long?”. He thinks I’m texting someone and Is asking questions. Keeping an eye out… Isn’t that cute…
A little bit of possessiveness can be a good thing as long as it doesn’t turn into ridiculous jealousy.
The other day I posted a status about how I was about to lose it, maybe I can find the post.

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As soon as I posted that I got a text from a couple of my girlfriends, we’re coming to take you for a drive. As I’ve previously mentioned, sometimes I’m kidnapped late nights and taken for drives in the rich neighbourhoods to watch the big houses or find a perfect waterfront spot to chit chat. That night, when they brought me back home Jack was already asleep, so I just went to bed. Usually, if Jack’s asleep not much can wake him up, so I just got into bed, the moment I was in there I heard …
Jacks asking who I’m texting again. And now A2’s up yelling “I pooped!”. I gotta go.

 

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Kissing Idiots

 

Sunday night, kids are finally in bed and Jack just finished watching the game. I just finished picking up some of the stuff and prepped for tomorrow morning. The house is not too chaotic but it’s still pretty bad, there’s stuff everywhere. This is the way were most functional. When people come over we pull an illusion stunt where nothing appears to the naked eye and the house looks clean, but in reality, everything is hidden.  We take all of the laundry baskets and hide them in our closet. When I say laundry baskets, I’m not talking about one, two or even three. Right this moment there are six or seven laundry baskets full of clean clothes that need to be sorted, folded and put away. We’ve run out of actual baskets and started using empty diaper boxes.

Why am I telling you this? I don’t know, maybe so you can stress less when you see your own piles of unfolded laundry.

I’m sitting in the living room, looking at 2/3 of our Christmas tree. This year we decided to only put up 2 out of 3 parts up.

Jack’s arguing with me right now… something about diapers in the trash, and tomorrow being garbage day… and “you know it will stink if it stays there the whole week…” I don’t even know what he’s talking about… I just say “Sorry babe, you’re right” and all of my problems disappear.

I’m not just saying… he’s probably right for real…I’ve learned to be more than open towards that possibility. Jack and I argue a lot, we fight to the death. We can scream and shout, anything it takes to express ourselves, but our arguments never have any consequences. By no consequences I mean, after we’re done arguing we don’t treat each other any different than when we haven’t argued.

He’s back…arguing again…jeez! What is it this time… the habs must’ve lost, he needs emotional support. A man after a bad game is like a girl that’s PMS-ing.

Again, no consequence arguing, that means you argue, then resume to your normal relationship. No grudges, no resentment, no bitterness, no drama and no time apart! It’s great to know that you can fully express yourself without it affecting the relationship. It’s happened once that we we’re deciding on which movie to download to watch the same night, during the decision process we got into one of these fights… I don’t remember what it was about but I just know we we’re yelling, cutting each other off, using the words “ you always” (which is the worst thing you can do) basically it was pretty bad until Jack yelled “STOP!” then said “ Can we choose the movie first and continue the argument later, so that the movie can at least start loading.” So I sat down and we normally conversed about the movie we wanted to watch, he clicked the Download button and then said “Ok, continue” and we started fighting again. And when it was over, we watched the movie.

It’s normal to argue, a relationship is never easy, so why make it harder with consequences. If I went straight to bed after each argument and he stayed up alone watching TV, the argument would’ve had doubled its negative impact.

It’s hard at first and you do have to swallow some of your pride, but it’s well worth it.

-“You’re an idiot! Did you know that?!?!”

-“Yes, now come and give this idiot a kiss”

Be caring, be forgiving, be happy.

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Feed husband first, blog later.

So the Christmas tree is back up, and what’s significant about it is that it was up when I first started this blog, and now we’re almost a year in. The moment we put the kids to bed Jack literally jumped down two flights of stairs and landed in the basement on the play button of the DVR. He’s got the TV on so loud I can hear everything from upstairs.

Oh my! I just realized he hasn’t eaten yet.

Got to go fix him something to eat!

Hopefully I’ll be back tonight.

And on cue, right this very moment, as I’m quickly finishing up this post he mutes the TV and starts yelling from downstairs “Julie! What are you doing?”

I love how he orders me around in question form. Pfft, “what are you doing?” we both know what that means!

I’ll be back.

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Big and Braless

Big and Braless

Tonight was a special night. I got to watch a movie all by myself. I can’t remember the last time I got to do that, just finished watching Antwone Fisher, a biography movie. I cried so much my vision is blurry and I can feel my eyes swelling up, just what I need to look even more tired! I must admit my daily life is starting to show on my face, my neighbour randomly walked up to me the other week to tell me how tired I looked and come to think of it, everywhere I go people offer me a seat or something to eat with a worried look on their face.

It is true that I don’t sit a lot, and eating…well we’re on survival mode with that. I always tell Jack that when I’m old and these kids are all grown up all I’m going to do all day  is sleep and eat, just to catch up to these times. I warn him “I’m gona get big baby, real big!”

My skin has become very pale, and I’m starting to have circles under my eyes. But I never leave the house without my little 35 second makeup routine. Those who say they don’t have time for makeup need to try this. It literally takes me 35 seconds or less to look alive again. I’ve had endless debates with moms about makeup, but I believe a small touch is necessary, it’s not about being fake or superficial, it’s about basic maintenance. It’s kind of like wearing a bra, basic maintenance.

The only person who sees me without makeup or a bra is Jack.

Well … actually… Jack and … and the bus driver.

See, back when I was a kid I took the school bus to school and every morning I would watch moms bring their kids from the home door to the bus door in their pyjamas, and they were all always braless. I guess it was too early and they were in too much of a rush to put one on, I thought it was gross and I promised myself never to be that.

I have failed myself. I have become just that. I take my child to the bus every morning in my pyjamas with no bra.

I have to stop doing that at least before I become the real big grandma I promised myself I would become. Big, old and braless… it’s going to be priceless, especially that I would’ve called it 40 years before.

Well, this is a perfect example of a post that went too far.

Watch out for the next post “Important message to moms: Keep your nails short and real it’s a question of life”

 

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Surviving Motherhood: Thank you for the Barbie up my…

Kids are in bed, the game is on and I’m lying down on the couch. I can clearly feel at least three different toys under me. The floor around me is covered in toys, the sink is full and there’s so much laundry to be folded that I don’t know where to start. Problem with all this is that I did clean the house today, I did dishes, even laundry but by the time the day is over  toys are back where they started, sink is full to the top again and there’s even more laundry to do now.

So what am I doing now?

I am exhausted, waiting for the game to end to spend some quality time with the husband. Got a good 15 minutes of meditation in the meantime.

What about the mess?

I’ll take care of it tomorrow, it’s a part of our reality and there’s no point in me fighting it.

Not only have I completely accepted the toys, the mess, the drawings on the walls, but I have also completely surrendered myself to the joy they bring me. I am so blessed to be surrounded with these loving children and I am honored to have the responsibilities life has given me. I work on myself every day  to be sure to be the happiest and strongest  I can be. These kids deserve a happy mom.

Gratitude is my main tool. Having children, among other things, can play with your hormonal balance and effect your emotions. Not only can it make you moody, but it can make you question your life purpose. Have I reached all my set objectives? Is this kind of life meant for me? What about my career? Am I going to be stuck here forever…? All these thoughts can creep up on us and blind us towards the blessings that surround us.

Gratitude, is step one.

Remind yourself of what you are grateful for. I do it all the time, out loud. I’ve now started to do it with the kids.

Do it in the car, in the shower, anytime, all the time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Name all the people and things you are grateful for. Start with whatever is around you in the moment.

Thank you for a warm home, thank you for my health,  thank you for the love I have in my life…

Expressing gratitude brings you back to the now. Right here, right now. It takes you away from tomorrow’s worries and yesterday’s pains. Gratitude is your vehicle to the now. Not only does it bring you here, but it makes you happy.  When you are grateful, you automatically start emitting positive vibrations, a positive aura that will attracts positive things into your life.

The now is the only place to be. The future is in our imaginations and the past in our memories. The only time that truly exists is now.

Be grateful , try it. You will see, great things will happen.

So, what are you grateful for right now?

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