Tag Archives: woman

Mark, are you paying attention ?

That last post came up Saturday night but was written Friday night right before I fell asleep at the keyboard.  The last sentence gave me such a feel of relief that I almost immediately fell asleep.

“Or maybe this is the moment when I realize I should live more for myself.”

That was it.

Live more for myself. Basically have a little more self-love and have the courage and energy to do the things I want to do and not only the things I have to do.

Is that a bad thing? I wonder if Jesus is ok with self-love and how I would know if  I’ve crossed the line from self-love to selfishness?

Ok I’m googling Jesus and Self-love.

Ok so Jesus said:

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:31

Wow now I’m a little more confused. Love my neighbor as myself? What if the problem is that I seem to love the neighbor more than myself? Should I love the neighbor less? That doesn’t make any sense. So what does Mark 12:31 even mean? Does it mean that Mark says that Jesus said that? So this is what Jesus said according to Mark’s memory? How long after hearing Jesus speak did Mark write this down?  Was it during, immediately after or long after? Is this exactly what he said or it this how Mark understood it? Come to think of it I’ve never seen ink or paper in any of the depictions of the time. If I’m going to consider this as a reference point in my life path then I need to ask the right questions and make sure it’s legit. No?

Who is Mark anyway ? Is he even one of the apostles?

Bah, I’m overthinking again.

In conclusion to last night’s post, what I need to keep remembering here is that a wall is built brick by brick. I can’t expect to see a wall before I’ve even started to build it. I shouldn’t be afraid to put a brick down and start even if I haven’t figured it all out.

And about that whole self-love thing I guess more love is never the wrong way. So more love for me and my neighbor!

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Stepping Stones

Sometimes I get anxious just thinking about everything that I want to do. I want to do so much, yet days are so short, weeks go by so fast and years just seem to be flying by.

Sometimes I wonder, why are we given so much motivation, so much drive and so much passion, when we might never have time to answer to all of those needs within this life span.

I think about it and I quiver. I really do. My hands are shaking from it right now.

Right now, I’m just trying to tame this feeling inside me. I have young children now, and I should be focused on them. Only them. They deserve it.

“Don’t worry about it now; you have your whole life ahead of you”

Makes sense. I’m trying to convince myself of that.

How do you make it big without making your children pay the price?  Is it possible to be a great mother and have a successful career all at the same time?

I’m seeking answers.

When I seek, I usually find. But before finding, I learn, I learn a lot.

Right now I’m still learning. I’ve learned that not many will want the best for you. Not many, if any, can be really happy for you. Genuinely, honestly, transparently happy for you.

One has to be in a very peaceful and balanced mind set, to be able to truly want the best for you and help you get there. It’s not that people are bad intentioned, it’s just that, they might not be there just yet. It takes a lot to want the best for someone as much as you want it for yourself.

While seeking for answers, I have to ask questions. My questions, such as this one, expose my weaknesses. My exposed weaknesses attract predators. Such is the law of nature.

People tend to use other people as stepping stones to get to where they want to get. I don’t mind being a stepping stone as long as you will turn around, and lend a hand to pull me up, once you’re up there. There seems to be more stepping, than pulling.

Be true to yourself, don’t get distracted, focus on what you want for yourself and not what others want for you. You’re idea of success, happiness, love or wealth can differ from another’s.

Decide what you want. Then go for it. Don’t wait. Time is passing by, oh so quickly.

Baby just woke up.

Gotta go!

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Hockey vs Hormones

Kids are asleep and Jack’s watching the game.

This morning when I changed A3’s diaper, half a pretzel came out of it. How did it get there? Probably A2’s doing. I felt really bad, imagine spending the night with a sharp edged piece of Pretzel in your underwear.pretzel

I’ve had my loved ones worry about me after the last post Face your fears and look inside. There’s nothing to worry about, I think I’m on the right track by being conscious of it all.  It being how I feel, what I think…

We’re all pretty fragile if you think about it. What are emotions? Emotions are a direct result of non-other than chemistry, hormones and neurotransmitters …

“It’s normal, you just had three kids”

Yes it’s normal that my body is out of balance and that it leaves me feeling anxious, and out of my usual self. It might be normal, but I don’t want it. I want to be in control of my own emotions and feelings.

I better learn to do what I need to do before menopause comes along with 5 times more chemical imbalances and makes me go completely insane for good. If you’ve ever felt cranky or moody because of your period cycle, because you’ve been overworked or because of lack of sleep, then you’re in the exact same boat as me, letting your body influence your mood.

Since men naturally don’t experience many drastic hormonal shifts in their life time, they are more stable in this perspective. I look at Jack, and seems like all he needs to relax and unwind is watching a good game of Hockey.

We went to a game last Saturday; it practically felt like a religious gathering.  21 273 people gathered, uniting their thoughts and positive energy towards the same goal and chanting is unison… If Hockey matters to these people as much as is matters to Jack, then it practically is a religion. In the end isn’t it the role of religion to bring beings to peace, tame their worries and bring them closer together?

This is what I was thinking about during the game… then I started staring at the building’s structure and started to worry about its stability and where we should head in case of an emergency…

Do we ever stop worrying?!

All this to say, I am now conscious of the effect of physical life events on my inner self and I want to gain full control of it. I want to be who I am no matter what hormonal phase of my life I’m in, no matter how much sleep I’ve had and no matter how much stress this life throws my way.

How? Not sure yet …

But I’ll find a way.

P.S A great win for our team tonight. Extra yey for me!

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